Hollywood’s landscape is dotted with all kinds of actors and actresses.Now before feminists sharpen their knives and howl in protests over the use of the term actress I apologise.As Shabana Azmi very rightly pointed out, we don’t call a female doctor doctress or a female engineer engineeress....or something to that effect in one of her interviews.So lemme call them actors who are females.Now these female actors are most of the time expected to do one of the following things in Hollywood films:
a)Act frightened, scared, terrified, etc..depending on the kind of film they are acting in so that their Knight-in-shining armour can come to their rescue.
b)Act spoilt, arrogant, self-centred, vacuous, rude, mean or in one word they have to play VERONICA of Archies comics fame.
c)Act cute, bubbly, vulnerable, funny- a la Meg Ryan who btw is one of my favourites.
d)Act wicked, vampish, diabolical-in one word play Sharon Stone of Basic instinct.
Now these are the 4 major categories in which female actors usually operate in Hollywood.Hell, to think of it, our Bollywood heroines have it better where they get to act all the above mentioned emotions in one film and to top it all they have the mandatory 5 dance and song routine as well!!! Okiee I know I am rambling too much here so lemme get straight to the point..There are good actors and there are bad actors and well, there are the following..My choice for the worst actresses(Oops..female actors!!!) of English movies in no particular order are:
SOFIA COPPOLA in The Godfather part 3- If there was ever a competition for NEPOTISM held in Hollywood, Francis Ford Coppola would win hands down.Now this was the 3rd film in the legendary Godfather series coming after 16 long years.A film which everyone was waiting with bated breath..Though the film is good..it never reaches the greatness achieved by the previous films in the series and a major, major reason was the decision to cast Sofia Coppola in the role of Mary- Michael Corleone’s(Al Pacino) darling daughter.
She is so awkward and uncomfortable in this role that instead of feeling furious you actually feel sorry for her.Its an apology of a performance.She becomes an embarrassment for the whole film;she sticks out like a sore thumb among the accomplished cast of Al Pacino, Andy Garcia, Diane Keaton, Talia Shire etc.You actually cringe every time she appears on screen..whether she’s acting flirtatious with her cousin(Holy Cow!!!) or acting sweet and cuddly with her screen-father Al Pacino, she is so consistently pathetic that its beyond description.When she dies you don’t cry with Al Pacino despite his best efforts to make you do so..you have already spent all your tears crying over Sofia Coppola’s acting skills or lack of it.Thank GOD she left this noble profession to lesser mortals and found her bearings as director.
CINDY CRAWFORD in Fair Game-This was Supermodel Cindy Crawford’s first and I think her last film and I thank the LORD for that..Enduring her acting..(errgh..can’t be called acting..modelling maybe) once was enough torture for mankind in GOD’s infinite wisdom.In this film all she did was run with the hero from here to there to protect herself from KGB spies hell-bent on killing her.Oh did I say she only runs..no.no..she also showers so many times you really fear that she might contract pneumonia..She also likes to change her skimpy T-shirts a couple of times, preferably when the guy she is running with, is gawking at her.Her dialogue delivery is so deadpan that she makes newsreaders look like thespians and guys! if you think Aishwarya Rai is stilted and synthetic in most of her films watch Cindy ’’act’’in Fair Game...she gives a new definition to the phrase mannequin-like..Simply put Cindy Crawford is to acting what Glen Mcgarth is to batting...
PAMELA ANDERSON in Barb Wire-Now where do you start when you talk about Pam baby’s acting prowess..Now everyone, practically everyone, from George Bush to Manmohan Singh knows that Pam baby can’t act to save her life.This film only reinforces her complete lack of acting abilities.The only expression Pamela baby has is a pout which she uses whenever she has to do anything else besides strutting and displaying her...errr..argh..lets say her best assets.Whenever you think gleefully to yourself, when watching the movie ’’gee!!now she has to ’’act’’ in this scene’’ the director zooms in on her er..argh..eh and takes you on a ’’silicon’’ valley tour.
She has to act and look tough in this film..She looks tough by wearing all leather outfits 3 sizes too small and to act tough she throws this ’’memorable’’ line ’’Don’t call me Babe’’in the most awfully pathetic way whenever opportunity presents.Don’t remember much else she says in the movie, as most of the time the director makes sure that she uses her other assets to talk to us......She too like Cindy likes to bathe a lot but she prefers bubble baths to shower!!!If only Pamela babe could act half as well, as she can take bubble baths..Then only if wishes were horses.................
MADONNA in all her films except maybe maybe EVITA- Madonna lends credence to the oft-repeated theory that actors are born and not made.Now how can someone who has acted in scores of videos and starred in atleast a dozen of films be so heart-achingly, eye-poppingly bad.Madonna is more wooden than wood and her ineptitude as an actress shines through in almost all her films.She has this amazing control over her facial nerves which gives her the unparalleled ability to give the same, exactly identical expression, scene after scene, film after film.
No one can blame Madonna for not trying..She has tried to ’’act’’ as many times as Salman Khan has tried to remain fully clothed..But alas!!..some things are just not meant to be...Though when Madonna is essentially playing herself, not a bad thing in itself...ask Shahrukh Khan the virtues of that, as she did in EVITA she passes muster.But give Madonna any other role and she fumbles and falters so spectacularly that she completely destroys the film under the wreckage of her performance.Case in point...’’Swept Away’’ which was incidentally directed by her husband Guy Ritchie.The film had everything except for a performance from the lead player-Madonna.And if you really want to find the depths Madonna can plumb as an actress don’t forget to watch ’’Shanghai Surprise’’ where hold your breathe..Madonna actually played a missionary...hahhahahahahahah...The scene where she cries is horrendously pathetic..Its time though that Madonna stops undermining projects with her wooden presence..AMEN!!!
JENIFFER LOPEZ- Now how can such an ineffective actress be such a huge star (yeah!!She has the looks but so did T-Rex in Jurassic Park!!!). Now she wasn’t bad at all in Soderbergh’s Out of Sight but from the time she has tried to do a Madonna- sing and act simultaneously (now Madonna can atleast sing well), her acting has been going steadily downhill. The problem started when she thought that she could do a romantic comedy a la Julia Roberts. Now Julia Roberts may not be the greatest actress in the world but she has this cute, perky personality which makes her shine in such roles but when J Lo tries to do that in films like “The Wedding Planner” and “Maid in Manhattan”- it frankly seems as if some overgrown babe has gate crashed a kindergarten party.
Continued in the Comments Section!!!