“Dear Abby on MS Part -2, ” *is where the agony aunt is now providing comfortable answers to your most personal questions. MS’s ** *in-house life coach * ** has all the answers that you need. Please send in the most intimate questions (through the comments section) about your life and the Agony Aunt will try her best to resolve your problems.
*Note: **Please forgive me for using THIS topic to write the Part-2 of "The Ten Worst Hindi Movies" in the Agony Aunt "Dear Abby" format!!
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*Q.** I am a middle-aged widower with three grown up kids all
of who have settled away from the city that I live in. I have become very
lonely with nobody to talk to. My doctor advised me to make some female friends
for companionship. I am a good conversationalist, witty, dress in decent
outfits and think that women would like me once they get a chance to talk to
me. However, the problem that I’m facing with this is that I never get that
first chance to talk to a woman, because one look at my plain looks and the
women ignore me. How can I change this?
- Woed Widower.**
*A.** Dear *Woed Widower*,
I understand the problem you are facing but this is not at
all uncommon. What you need to do is to draw attention from the ladies. I
suggest that you follow Amitabh Bacchan’s style in the film **Boom**. Agony Aunt insists that you dress
in bright white shiny clothes, wear your ***dead wife’s chunkiest, gaudiest
pieces of jeweler*** on your fingers and around your neck, top it all
off with brilliant, bright blue sunglasses that you should never take off even
while indoors at night.
Investing in a good wig/toupee with ***shiny silver
synthetic hair, *** and wearing this hairpiece without fail whenever the
ladies are around would be of additional help.
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*Q.** I’m a historian by profession and have found the film
Ashoka to be an utter misrepresentation of Indian history. Ever since its
release I have tried to get the courts to ban the film from showing, but have
failed each time. Every night I sleep, I get dreams of a romantic Ashoka making
out with a tattooed Kaurwaki. I’m unable to bear this anymore and wish to take
severe legal action against the two actors for demeaning two great historic
personalities. Can you advice me how to go about this?
- Harassed Historian***.
A.** *Harassed Historian!!
It is because of people like you, we Indians never let go of
the past! Agony Aunt frowns upon your statements. The real emperor **Ashoka **died long ago and has no right
to question the makers of this movie. Agony Aunt simply cannot see how this can
be termed as "misrepresentation." I strongly feel that it is
**"artistic brilliance" and "creative liberty" ***at its best
that SRK has chosen to make Ashoka ***a romantic, whimpering, twitching stud.
**Agony Aunt would simply LOVE to see SRK interpreting and
enacting other historical personalities like **Jhansi Lakshmi Bai** and the great poetess **Subhadra Kumari Chauhan.*
I must insist that although it was considered taboo at the
time for Princesses to be tattooed, Kareena deserves a pat on the back, for
showing us how Kaurwaki would have been HAD she gotten all those tattoos,
dressed in revealing clothes, ***showed no regal bearing and acted like a cheap
hooker-in-a-street-corner instead of a Princess. Now what is wrong with that?**
It is creative vision at its best. I pity your simple mind
for not understanding the degree of depth of perception exhibited by the two
actors. I suggest you see a psychiatrist to help you let go of the past.
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* Q.** I am a 45-year-old woman and have lived in a joint family
where only the men worked and made money. A year back, all members of my family
except me and my niece (who at the time was living in a hostel) perished in a
train crash while traveling back home from a relative’s wedding. I have no
education past 4th grade and have the responsibility of educating my
13-year-old niece who is the only living relative that I now have. I have no
valuable possessions except for the ***pair of gold bangles ***that I wear. I do not
know what kind of a job my education level can get me...and how I can pay our
household expenses and for my niece’s education. Please help!*!
*A.** Dear *Oppressed Aunt,
Agony Aunt sympathizes with your dire circumstances but
there is nothing to worry about!
I strongly feel that your worries about your niece’s
education are unfounded. I must insist that ***education is severely over rated,
very passé*** and is not at all necessary to lead a good life. Immediately stop
your niece from going to school thus saving those expenses.
I suggest you follow the path of ***Rekha*** in **Bachke Rehna Re Baba**, along with your
niece. ***Sell the**** gold bangles *** and invest in a wardrobe of modern, garish,
brightly colored, tight fitting clothes. Tear off the hems, sleeves and
midriffs of all of your niece’s dresses so that she can achieve the sexy, edgy
look that Mallika Sherawat sported in the film. Once this is accomplished, you
and your niece can tour the country a la’ two cats with their tails on fire,
seducing middle aged, rich, ugly men and looting them. This will not only keep
the finances going but will also make both of you into*** empowered*** women!
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*Q.** I am a ***Rajasthani village head*** and the
people of the village call me ***Hukam. ***I have a marriage-aged daughter
whom I have promised to make the *bahu* of one of the most influential
families in the village. Unfortunately, on a different occasion without my
knowledge, my wife promised her friend that my daughter would be wed to her
son. Now there are ***two grooms at my doorstep*** demanding an explanation. If I
choose any one, my reputation will flow away in ***Ganga Mayya.*** How
can I resolve this situation? Please help!!
*\A.** Since you, your wife and daughter are faced with the
difficult problem of choosing between two prospective grooms while still
keeping your social reputation intact, Agony Aunt insists that you take the **Pardes*
route and arrange for a ***Kabaddi match*** to be held between the two
grooms!
Each of the prospective grooms will lead one team. The
leader of the winning Kabaddi group takes the girl for a bride. This method
simplifies life for your daughter because she will never have to rack her
delicate brains to reach a decision about whom she wants to marry.
This also ignores her feelings and makes her stronger
emotionally, because the old adage goes that “if it doesn’t kill you it will
make you stronger, ” thus leading to her being a strong empowered woman!
**Bathaaee Ho!**