After my write-up of some of the worst movies ever, here is a list of the worst movies to make it out of the Hollywood factory in the 90’s. This list has duds that most of us would have been subjected to, in the sense that they are mainstream flicks that undeservedly enjoyed worldwide release... Friends we are all less intelligent for being part of this dross...
5. The Crush (1993)
Movies should be fun, but the source of entertainment shouldn’t come from identifying plot holes and other assorted implausibilities. I watched The Crush expecting the umpteenth clone of Fatal Attraction -- a movie that I consider to be of marginal, not exceptional, quality. The Crush is nowhere close to the same level. This is an irredeemably bad movie.
There aren’t any big-name actors in the cast of The Crush. This isn’t a surprise, since anyone valuing their reputation would have headed away at top speed after taking a look at the script. The best of a generally-uninspired lot is Alicia Silverstone. From time to time, she brings glimmers of a character to the screen. Everyone else, especially Cary Elwes with his indecipherable accent, is terrible.
Essentially, all that would have been necessary for a success is a complete scrapping of the film that was actually produced. Even lovers of formula thrillers will find this picture hard to swallow.
4. Fair Game (1995)
While the marriage of Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford may not have been an ideal match, there’s at least one area in which their compatibility is beyond question: acting ability, or, more precisely, the lack thereof. Hard as it is to believe, there are some models-turned-performers with less natural talent and screen presence than Erika Eleniak, and the co-star of Fair Game is one of those. Let’s be honest, though. No one hired Crawford because of her strength as a thespian. She’s on hand because she looks good in (and, on a couple of occasions, out of) a tight tee-shirt.
There’s not much of a plotline worth talking about -- at least not one that’s coherent or logical. Fair Game is basically one long chase punctuated by a sex scene. William Baldwin plays a cop. Crawford is Kathryn McQuean, a lawyer. The two don’t like each other, but he saves her life anyway. Then he does an encore, but this time a few of his buddies get killed. So, the pair of them end up on the run from an ex-KGB heavy (interpreted with over-the-top gusto by Steven Berkoff) and his Russian mob.
We get treated to such wonderfully corny lines as: ’’I’m getting bored with your petty incompetence’’, ’’It would be embarrassing to be killed by an amateur’’, and ’’I can’t afford the luxury of a conscience’’. The level of acting, by the way, is perfect for delivering those kinds of phrases. As always in this type of picture, the leads trade one- liners, but there’s no zing to any of those duds.
3. Under Seige 2: Dark Territory
Of course, it’s a well-known fact that Segal can’t act (or direct, for that matter; however, I’ll leave On Deadly Ground out of this), but he’s far from the only thing wrong with this sorry excuse for a sequel. From start to finish, the script is stupid, the direction is spotty, the editing is choppy, and the special effects make Doctor Who’s notoriously cheesy visuals look like flawless masterpieces. This movie is putrid.
Back from Under Siege is ex-SEAL operative Segal, the man who cooks with one hand while defeating bad guys with the other. This time, he’s on a train trip with a pretty niece. There’s been a family tragedy but the details are glossed over because the introduction has already begun to drag. Meanwhile, a nutcase named Travis has taken over a super- secret, invincible weapons satellite and, after devastating China with a blast, he turns it on Washington D.C. Needing a mobile base of operations, Travis and his henchmen decide to take over the train Segal’s on, so that’s where the so-called action takes place. This mostly consists of Segal running through lots of empty train cars, finding inept bad guys and either stabbing them, blowing their heads off, or throwing them from the train.
I have come to the conclusion that it’s impossible for a Steven Segal movie to be anything better than mediocre, and this particular travesty may be his worst yet. The title Under Siege is supposed to represent the situation faced by Segal’s character, but it’s equally appropriate in describing the experience of the poor viewer who sits through this film.
2. Showgirls (1995)
Showgirls is a cold, soulless, misogynistic motion picture. There isn’t anything to like about the thinly-drawn, stereotyped characters, and the situations they drift through are far from engrossing. Artistic integrity, intelligent scripting, heart-felt acting, and sincere film making are all absent. Everything -- from the overall plot to individual lines of dialogue -- is predictable and poorly-written.
Nomi Malone (Elizabeth Berkley) is a dancer on her way to Vegas with hopes of joining a chorus line. Even before she gets her first job, though, she learns that sex and drugs are the only currency anyone really uses. But she’s a tough woman with a killer body and an ugly past, and she knows what has to be done to make headway. She starts working as a lap dancer at a strip club, but has her sights set higher. And when the big-name star of a local show (Gina Gershon) and a hotel talent director (Kyle MacLachlan) take an interest in her raw -- ahem -- abilities, her prospects suddenly appear brighter.
As bad as the first ninety minutes of this film are, the last thirty are worse. The closing quarter of Showgirls is distasteful in every way -- from its gratuitous violence to its illogical plotting. The final scenes are intended to teach something about ethics, but that’s a hypocritical stance for a motion picture without a moral compass.
1. Phat Beach (1996)
The ’’first wave’’ of beach pictures arrived in the early-to-mid-’60s. With titles like Bikini Beach and Beach Blanket Bingo, these dumb movies inevitably starred Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon, and appealed to teen-agers. Some twenty years later, the beach genre was re-invented for the ’80s, with bare breasts and g-strings added to the mix (the reprehensible 1984 feature, Hardbodies, was indicative of what this second generation offered). In 1996, we had Phat Beach to contend with, and, if anything, it’s worse than everything to precede it.
It’s amazing that there are three credited screenwriters, considering the lack of one humorous, original, or intelligent moment during the eighty-nine minute running time. The story centers on a shy, overweight would-be-poet by the name of Benny King (Jermaine ’’Huggy’’ Hopkins). Benny is a sensitive teen who believes in true love and wants to spend his summer enrolled in a writing class. His father, however, has different ideas, and makes sure that Benny gets a job at the local House of Hamburgers fast food joint. But, when Benny’s family goes away on vacation, our hero’s best friend, Durrel (Brian Hooks), entices him away from the straight-and-narrow. Together, the two head for a Southern California beach with its lure of women dressed in skimpy bikinis -- or less. There’s also a $10, 000 beach volleyball tournament to be won (at least, I think it’s beach volleyball -- the direction and editing are so inept that it’s difficult to be sure), and, coincidentally, Benny has a deadly serve.
I didn’t care about, or for, anyone or anything in this film. In fact, I hated just about everyone, especially the incredibly annoying Durrel, whose comeuppance isn’t nearly as nasty as what he deserves. Phat Beach is an atrocious example of mindless cinema -- the kind of bad movie that doesn’t possess a single redeeming feature.