When it comes to air travel I noticed a lot of alleged victims complaining about irrational things on this very useful website. So thought of compiling some basic information on how you could avoid most of the inconveniences.
This is going to be a satire. If you don’t like this genre, I may advice you to read no further :)
If only air travel was as easy as it is for our lovely Norwegian forest cat in the picture, we wouldn’t have a need for a silly little guide like this. Since we can’t and we don’t "BELIEVE" here it goes.
Read the terms and conditions. Both for your fare class as well as the general airline policy. It will always help you in solving problems that arise during your journey. Seriously, the more ignorant we are, the more easier it is to cheat us. So before calling an airlines "CHEATER!!" in all uppercase, think how ignorant you might have been for them to cheat you. Yes those are harsh words on an innocent consumer but did you read their policy? If yes my apologies to you.
Be at the airport early. No you can’t checkin 10 minutes before the flight. Sorry. Give enough buffer time for any last minute crisis at the airport. There is absolutely nothing wrong in reaching the checkin counter 2 hours before your scheduled flight.
Always remember to carry only what is allowed by the terms and conditions of your ticket. You might have a lot of things you wished you could travel with, but unfortunately if you exceed the baggage allowance, you will have to pay. No you can’t bend the rules because there are a hundred people waiting behind you who followed the rules and feel irritated by the fact that you insist on special privileges not allowed for them. Why would you want to do that? If you genuinely need to carry a lot of your things, buy a ticket that comes with a bigger allowance or you could just pay for the extra weight. it’s as simple as that! No need to show the hidden rage here. Personally if I ever see an individual demanding for free extra baggage allowance and causing me inconvenience, I would insist the airline staff to not let him board the plane. Yep I am evil.
If you are the nervous kind or preparing for your very first flight (congratulations!), do some homework on what to expect. Yes there will be long queues for checkin. Security would frisk you. You have to remove your electronics from the bag. And of course take off and landing will be bumpy due to the surface of the runway. Your ears might get blocked just like when climbing a hill in an automobile.
Listen and watch the safety instructions. I know you are telling me "Oh I am so cool to watch that silly women showing me how to use an oxygen mask" by avoiding to look at the helpful attendant. Please don’t do that. If you don’t know how to do these things, you are endangering my life too! Personally I don’t care if you die (I am joking! i’ll help you but will punch you in the face too ;) ) by not listening to the lovely woman trying her best to show people how to survive, but please don’t try to take me along too. Not all aircraft are the same and you don’t use the door you entered to exit the plane when crash landing in water. You should cultivate the belief "safety of myself and fellow passengers comes before movies/music and watching the guy driving a tractor outside". Yes I am very serious with this one.
The ear plug myth is plain stupid to be honest. Your ears are blocked not because of the engine noise, it’s because you are climbing up at 200km/hr. No the crew won’t give you anything to stuff into your ear canal and they are not evil. They care for your life more than you do at this instance. I must be a retard you might say. Think again, In case the plane is about to go down hard and the crew is asking everybody to brace themselves or to take out the life jacket, you wouldn’t be able to hear a thing and of course you would be asking your fellow passenger or your family member about everything and jeopardizing their chances of survival by delaying their actions. In the end the comfy ear plugs might kill you on a plane.
The cure for the ear blocks is to simply chew on a candy or slightly opening your mouth. It’s just like how you would avoid the ear blocks when climbing up a hill in a car. Nothing to it really.
Being polite always helps. Ask for things nicely. Would you fetch me a glass of water if I ordered for it like you were my slave? of course not. People have emotions no matter what their job might be. Learn to be socially conscious. Think what effects you might have on your fellow passengers. Am I making them uncomfortable? Am I causing them delays? Do they like me? Ok the last one was a little too much. But the first two are the most basic questions you should ask yourself when traveling. Society can be peaceful only with a little bit of sacrifice from everybody. Jumping a red light might make me happy but not the people who are suppose to safely cross the junction. In this case I will make that little sacrifice of waiting for the green light and let everybody be happy. Got my point?
Don’t demand to change your seat. You may not realize it, but I love the seat I am sitting in and I have no intentions of swapping with you for fun. If you have genuine reasons to switch places with me, ask me politely in person rather than sending a pretty emissary to demand my seat. It’s not very nice to do that you know. And that’s why a lot of flight attendants will not oblige to that demand. Would you feel comfortable if I sent a thug to demand a loan from you? Probably not. It goes back to social consciousness.
In case of lost baggage, delayed flights and other inconveniences caused by an airline, there is absolutely no need to be rude. Remember a good traveler always carries the print out of the terms that come along with the passenger details and flight number on the ticket. This can be your weapon for compensations. It is never a good idea to wage war without fully understanding the rules (in our case terms and conditions). If the airline still doesn’t compensate you, you have all the evidence you need for a legitimate law suit which can earn you quite a bit of money :)
Last but not least, before having dreams of flight attendants feeding you grapes while you lying on a million dollar diamond encrusted silk bed (I am just joking, don’t get mad), read through the airline’s website to see what they offer for your fare class. Economy premium will get better services than plain economy. The usual priority of service is First > Business > Premium > Economy > no frills . where First is the absolute best you can get on a plane and no frills is pretty much nothing. See where your ticket falls and compare. If the attendants are genuinely rude, you have every right to complain. But if she is attending to someone else while you push the button, you have to wait till she finishes with the other passenger. That’s how it is done and should be done. I don’t want the stewardess to stop serving me food and run towards you either. So it goes back to social consciousness.
Finally, try to enjoy the flight rather than letting minor inconveniences ruin the experience. After all flying is still a privilege affordable by only a minority of the population (I have a hunch this might start a flame war).
P.S I don’t work for any airline. Infact not even close to aviation. Just an avid traveler who learned to enjoy every flight and trying to be nonjudgmental about most things except fishes.