This one is straight from the horse’s mouth. I mean from someone who has seen it all and silently…well…er……borne it all. If you too are a healthy young male and are confounded by the inexplicable disappearance of fuzz from your scalp, blame it on the tRIO – genes, germs and geology. Science has finally succeeded in unearthing the scandalous truth behind hair loss. Thou shalt lose it, if thy genes carry the code for ‘androgenic alopecia’ or male pattern baldness(MPB). Its the extra testosterone in your blood man and you cant help it. Its rather a lousy dilemma – you don’t know whether to be secretly happy or sad about it! And if you’ve got dandruff, you will find yourself losing your ‘cover’ in double quick time! Lastly, the water which you use for your ceremonious ablutions may contain certain unhealthy minerals enough to drive the nail in the…well…need I mention it?
The reason for hair loss is a subject that no two doctors, scientists or clinics seem to be able to agree about, everyone seems to have their own opinion on the subject. Okay, now the moot Q is – can hair loss be stopped? Particularly ‘androgenic alopecia’? The consensus, based on current medical findings, is – no. If your mane is destined to leave you, it will. A picture of a bald person on *news.bbc.co.uk *sums it all. The caption simply says – There is very little treatment for baldness. Yet, the mesmerizing variety of hair loss prevention therapies range from the incredible to the ‘down’right bizarre and believe me, its a multi-million dollar industry, doling out third rate strategies by the dozen for fleecing the poor neobalds. Google returns a whopping 52000000 results for hair loss in 0.08 seconds flat! Each website enticingly dangling its own hairy carrot!(No.no…please don’t get me wrong). The inevitable transformation from Daryl ‘Hair’ to Alec ‘Bald’win may take a few years if left to natural course, but you may either delay or expedite it(depends on your luck) by resorting to some fantastic methods which I have summarized for your consumption.
1. Spreads and sprays: Didn’t the padosi aunty suggest you dip yourselves head-on in a gooey batter of eggs, besan, nimboo sat and tulsi leaves paste purely as an effective ghareloo measure? No further comments on this lest I hurt anybody’s sentiments. (You won’t taste bad if deep fried properly…… poor joke!)
2. Shampoos: I was once prescribed a COAL TAR shampoo by a bald dermatologist. One application nearly removed 30% of my remaining hair. Needless to say, I am still searching for that*@#$&# doctor!
3. Medical therapies: Propecia, Minoxidil, Avodart, Revivogen(all trade names) are a few of the ‘promising’(they promise to reduce your bank balance substantially) therapies that have been empirically tried in MPB. The catch, however lies in their disclaimers: *Results will not be achieved in days and probably not even in weeks, usually it takes about three to six months for any(slight) improvement to be(barely) noticed but no two people will achieve the same results, what works for one may not work for another. *Great! Moreover, each drug has its own side effects, and the result of tinkering with one’s hormones may not always be pleasant or predictable.
4. Vitamins & Superfoods: Poor Popeye! He couldn’t grow a single new hair on his pate even after munching tons of spinach. So do not expect much from a mushy concoction of chlorella, spirulina, micro-algae extracts, astaxanthin, broccoli sprouts, beans, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, seaweeds like wakame, arame, hiziki and vitamins like ascorbates, cobalamins, tocopherols etc. etc. And yes…May Almighty God save your guts, spare your digestion and replenish your poor pockets!
5. Lasercombs: The lasercomb is the first take-home version of the rather expensive cosmetic laser devices found in salons all over the world. Individual treatments are very expensive and are usually only for the very wealthy. The Lasercomb is FDA approved as a cosmetic device for thickening the appearance of hair, and is currently undergoing testing as a bonafide hair growth stimulant. Once approved, it will hit the market for astronomical prices. Try it if you are Brunei’s Sultan!
6. Hair growing robots: During a 30-minute operation, these robots will pluck hair follicles from pre mapped areas in the back of the neck, then grow these follicles in culture until they number in the thousands. Then these robots will inject the follicles under the skin where the hair needs to grow back. Seems straight out of a sci-fi movie. Imagine a bald Tom Cruise lying still in a mechanical chair with a robot like Schwarznegger(did I get the spelling right?) crouching over him!
There are bound to be other ingenious ways of preventing hair loss. Try them if you wish to. NO RESULTS GUARANTEED.
Thanks as always for reading my stuff. Comments and ratings invited.
© Sudipto Chakravarty 2006