Yes! The best way to save your face is to keep the lower half of your jaw up; which means to mouthshut up and listen. Our parents and our grandmother have told us innumerable times we ought to listen twice as long as we talk - why else are we born with two ears and only one mouth? We should do well to heed that advice. On the surface that is more easier said than done, anyway we don’t have to do anything much except not speak. Actually genuine listening, the sort you would with your friends and colleagues would practise on you, requires finesse and empathy. Unlike many talents, this one you can easily develop yourself, so here are ten rules that will help you make good conversation as well as instill in you the listening ability.
Hear to understand, not react
Even the most caring friends fail to make this subtle but crucial distinction. Instead of focussing on what the other person is saying, many of us are busy thinking up, struggling to think of a smart question to ask or amusing anecdote to interject. Don’t forget the other person or an astute speaker might feel betrayed when they see your distracted expression. Besides the distraction, losing the flow and thought process of the other person’s story or conversation can dampen the whole talk. Interject only when relevant and necessary. But be rare and subtle about it.
Don’t be quick to judge
True undersatnding won’t occur if you merely confirm your expectations. Don’t assume that you understand or already know what the other person is going to say. For example if your friend who you know has had many girlfriends and they all left him tells you that the new girl in his life is the true one for him. It may just be true!
Consider the feeling or emotion behind the words
Apprehending your friend’s feelings and reflecting them back to her with such statements as "I’m really sorry to hear that" and "That must have been dissappointing" builds empathy. Sometimes your friend will tell you how he/she really feels. Most times you will read clues in her tone, facial expression, word choice. Once you’ve assessed their emotional state, communicate your understanding. You may say "I would have been embarrassed if it happened to me. Is that how you felt?" This will make the person more comfortable in confiding in you.
Try to concentrate on others instead of yourself
Put your own agenda in your pocket and imagine yourself in the speaker’s experience. Genuine listening involves suspending memory, desire, judgement and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person. While self involved audiences contrive to make themselves the topic of conversation - interjecting their experience, their opinion, their sympathy, true listeners are really curious about the conversation at hand and at what is being said. To help you focus, imagine you are watching a movie. Listening, like filmgoing, is an opportunity to escape your cares and pressures.
Watch your body language
The next time you are engaged in conversation, audit your body language. If you find your arms folded, eyes wandering, lips locked in a fake smile, make an effort to be natural and relaxed. You need not dramatically watch every move the other person makes. Better to concentrate on being comfortable than on appearing to listen.
Don’t flatter or charm
Fake chitchat has little to do with genuine communication. We all wear masks for different reasons. We are afraid are true selves aren’t good enough, that we are not as smart and funny as we believe(though in actual fact we may be the above to others). Unfortunately we can become trapped in this type of thinking were we try to be acceptable to other people. While a social mask is appropriate in certain settings like a business meeting with lunch etc, it can damage a good intimate friendship. The more honest you are the better for others to connect with you.
Don’t poke in
As a general rule breaking in when someone is speaking is all right especially if you are trying to clarify a point or to bring in more understanding into the matter.
When someone is sharing something they feel about very deeply or strongly and you say "oh yes the same thing happened to me a month ago". it actually translates into: "I’ve got an even better story."
The vexing same-thing-happened-to-me interjection will mostly work in situations where you are trying to draw out the other person to make them comfortable or empathise. At the other extreme is total silence, which may seem ambiguous to others - you may be seen as bored or disapproving. Signal your involvement with smiles, frowns and low key interjections if the other is saying something he/she feels deeply about.
Ask questions
Once your friend has completed the story ask questions like a reporter. Delve beyond facts to explore emotions. Otherwise the person may feel cut off and dissatisfied with the talk. Well aimed questions advance rather than derail the talker’s story. Show your concern by asking questions that expand and express your friend’s feelings. Like "How do you want to handle the situation?"
But remember you can probe closely with a dear friend, but when not much or no trust exists, inappropriate queries may cripple conversation.
Pay respect to what you hear
In other words acknowledge what a person tells you. A natural pause in a friend’s talk is not a cue to launch into your own verbal diarrhoea. Try to repeat what was understood and give the other person an opportunity to elaborate. Such a thinking lets the other person know that you are paying attention, plus if the person has not made his point clear, she has the chance to do so.
Ask to give
Ask permission to give advice. People like to be helpful. If we had some experience with the issue. We also like to counsel or give advice. Good advice, like good sex, must however be preceded by desire. If people aren’t looking for help they will turn it down or ignore it. Never offer guidance unless you are sure your friend wants it. If you must say something it can be on the lines of "I have an idea. Do you want to hear it?"
The heart of conversation is dialogue not monologue ultimately.
A note of caution about bores, rarely can they be conversed with, only suffered. So don’t be tortured. If your stomach churns at spotting one, just turn the other way or run!