If there ever was such a thing as a mythical safe driver, it has gone the way of the dodo bird. In its wake, it left a population of ageing baby boomers and hippies to teach a huge population of coming-of-age drivers how to drive properly. Now we have kids drag racing on the streets and crashing into the old people who are driving the wrong way down a one-way street. It’s madness!
But don’t despair, I have received the gift of eternal safe driving, bestowed on me by God Himself, and I am here to share it with you. However much I wish to transfer my heavenly powers to the rest of you so everyone can drive as safe as I do, I can’t. I can, however, give you some tips on how to stop driving like a maniac and how to start driving safely.
Buckle Up
Every car nowadays has seatbelts that come standard as safety equipment. It’s an interesting contraption that slides across your lap and chest and holds you against your seat as a harness. When you get in your car, the first thing you should do besides close and lock your door is put on your seatbelt.
Everyone should wear their seatbelt. Young or old, airbags or no airbags, it will save the life of most people who wear it. It wouldn’t, for example, have saved the life of the American hockey player who slammed his Ferrari into a brick wall at 130 kilometres an hour in the city. If you’re driving stupidly, no amount of bags or belts will save you.
Thus said, let’s continue.
Be Aware
Nobody has peripheral vision(except for me, part of the gift from God). This doesn’t mean that everyone should have tunnel vision! Always be aware of things around you. Other cars, children, animals, falling rocks, elderly people in electronic scooters. Check your side and rear-view mirrors constantly, and long enough to sense movement with a quick, few-second scan.
In thick traffic, keep an eye on the cars in front of the car in front of you. The guy in front of you might be a major jerk that likes to slam on his brakes to quickly stop for the guy in front of him and will cause you to slam on your brakes and cause a chain reaction of slamming of brakes. Watching the other cars will allow you to brake in time, especially when you’re doing 100 kilometres an hour on the freeway.
When you’re stopped at a traffic light, be aware of the people who are walking near your car(carjackers?), the cars on every side of you(are they paying attention or trying to get into your lane?), and the cars who have the right of way(will they stop at the light?). When the light turns green, always wait a few seconds before driving through the light. This has saved my life more than once. I’ve almost been the victim many times of some individual in a serious hurry, speeding through an obviously red light.
Read Minds
No, I’m not saying you have to be so good that you can tell what’s wrong with your wife before she drops into one of her moods, but you do have to be somewhat psychic to be a safe driver. To do this, first you have to be very aware of your surroundings. Reading minds is very important when you’re driving safely because it gives you the ability to guess what the other idiots will do, and how you can avert being struck by them or striking them. It doesn’t only apply to other drivers. You also have to be in tune with the pedestrians. After all, they seem to think that cars can stop on the drop of a dime for them.
The number one way I’ve learned to read minds is to get eye contact with others. At crosswalks, at stop signs, anywhere. Any confusion about who is going where will be cleared up with eye contact. If the other driver or the pedestrian is not looking at you, it is obvious they are not paying attention and they do not see you. So it’s best just to let them go. If you want to be ultra-evil, like myself, I suggest that you give a loud honk. Preferably with an air horn.
If you don’t have to get their eye contact(for example, just traveling on a road, each in your own lane), watch how they drive and if they use signals or if they are tailgating, etc. Part of this is being aware, once again. You should be able to notice that the guy who is shadowing you is pulling into your lane with you in it. Don’t get flustered. Give him a honk. You are paying attention!
Animals
Since I started driving 8 years ago, I have had a bad time with animals. No, not of the two-legged human kind, of the four legged kind. So far, I have hit a chicken, three birds, one mouse, one opossum, one cat, and one deer. Poor things shouldn’t have to die such a horrible death, but they died so I could live.
To avoid hitting animals, you should first be aware of things on the side of the road. Always watch for moving bushes with ears. They will almost always turn out to be deer that like to bound on the freeway at the worst possible moment.
If it is inevitable that you are going to hit the animal, don’t slam on your brakes or swerve, especially if you are traveling at speeds over 50 kilometres an hour. The best thing to do is try to slow down, or honk. If all else fails, run over it.
In case of deer, abandon car! No don’t do that, but seriously, I hit a deer at 120 km/h(the speed limit) and survived. It jumped on the road at midnight and I had no time to do anything. So I sped up(I don’t know why) and hit it, and it flew over my car instead of going through the windshield, and caused$5000 damage. Since then, I’ve been more careful. I watch for the jumping brown bushes with ears, first and foremost. Secondly, when I am going through a’deer zone’(watch for the signs), I slow down to the speed limit or below. Thirdly, if I see a deer jumping onto the road, I turn off my headlights. Deer are mesmerized by headlights and will stop and stare until you hit them. Don’t honk; it doesn’t faze them. Just turn off your headlights and more times than not, it will keep bounding across the road.
One Last Thing
When you are driving anywhere, remember not to do the things that anger me. So study this checklist:
Speed up to the speed of traffic before merging onto the freeway.
Don’t cut in front of a speeding car and slow down.
Don’t slam on your brakes for a yellow light. If you are going fast enough that you have to, you are allowed to go through the stupid thing.
When stopping on a hill, leave a ways between you and the car in front of you, just in case they are a standard and they roll.
When on the freeway, drive the speed limit in the right hand lane and only go into the left lane to pass or speed.
Always keep your eyes on the road. Don’t get distracted by people or music in the car, signs, bumper stickers, or anything else.
Pull to the side of the road to talk on your cellular phone, or have an earpiece if you absolutely must gab.
If you see a cop and you’re speeding, don’t slam on the brakes and make it obvious that you were speeding. Take your foot off the accelerator and glide to the correct speed.
In the snow, drive through snow that hasn’t been driven in yet. If the road isn’t salted, the already pressed and driven in snow will be like a sheet of ice.
If you are sliding in a turn, don’t panic, and keep your wheels going the same way as the slide. Don’t try to straighten your car out(especially if you’re sliding on dry pavement).
So in short, drive safely CAN be accomplished. However, even if you drive’by the book’ and aren’t ready, or you don’t pay attention to your surroundings, you will cause more accidents from your stupidity.
Be aware, be psychic, and watch for the brown bushes with ears and you will be safe, and ticket- and accident-free.