Sharad Pawar Ji,
I have heard with great interest the news of you looking for a new coach for our Indian cricket team. I have always emphasized that phoren is phoren, Indian is always best. Since you have not advertised for the position, and I have no idea, what the qualifications are needed, I am giving my points here, why I think I can be suited for post of Team India’s cricket coach.
Sir, I hail from a state called Andhra Pradesh, which fortunately right now does not have too many national level players, except for one V.V.S.Laxman, who has been too much in and out of the team. Since there are no good players from my state, none can accuse me of regional bias. See sir, even my Id out here is Indian. India is my country, and all Indians are my brothers. Of course I currently haven’t reached the stage, where I can say all Indians are my sisters, hope you will understand.
My only experience of playing cricket has been at a gully level. But I can assure you that having been an expert in certain areas, I can coach them there. Why do we need a fielding coach? I was one of the best fielders at gully. I can train them in the art of escorting a ball to the boundary, how to let it go between your legs, he, he, I was nicknamed as India Gate, for this very reason. People think that taking catches is an art, nonsense it’s dropping catches, that is a real art form. So far our players have dropped tough catches, I will improve their skills further, by making them drop sitters also.
My motto when batting was simple, sir, hit out or get out. I mean come on what’s the use in staying at the crease for such a long time. You will tire easily in the hot summer sun. So I will teach them different techniques of getting out. Swinging the bat wildly to be bowled. I will also teach them how to give catching practice to fielders.
Now comes the difficult part, managing the egoes of the players, as well as past players. And sir, this is where I could provide a vital function. Managing their ad shooting schedules. Henceforth, any company which wants to do ads, should pass through me. And I cut a deal with me, whatever money comes from the ads, 25% to me, 25% to you, and the rest 50% to the player. Player khush, sponsors khush, aap bhi khush aur main bhi khush. Being an IT professional, I will always carry a laptop with me, and show to every one how busy I am, by formulating some theories and strategies. Those stupid media people, anyway cant even make out the difference between an Excel spreadsheet and Zapak.com. Also I can make much better presentations than Chappel and Ford. I have always been making such presentations to fool clients, so it should not be a problem for me.
Also sir, I have been in India all my life, so I should satisfy demands of people like Gavaskar ji, Kapil Dev ji, Bedi ji, Ravi Shastri ji, who always insisted that coaches must be Indian. And don’t worry about the senior players sir, whenever they come, I will pretend to be interested in whatever they say, interrupting with comments like “Sirjee, aap to Mahaan hai, aap Insaan nahin, farishta hai”. If Kapil Paaji says that players should not eat pasta, I will say yes, and if Gavaskar ji, ** says that players should eat only pasta, I will also say yes. I am very good at being a yes man, and so all the seniors will be happy now.
Sir assume that people still insist a foreign coach is needed. No problem sir, I will look for a nice American girl, marry her, get a green card. I had always wanted a nice American girl, chalo, at least this way, I can satisfy my wish. Now because I have a green card, I am an American, and because I have an Indian passport, I am Indian. So I am satisfying both kinds of people.
But sir you are forgetting the greatest benefit of hiring me, money. Sir, when companies in US are now outsourcing their work to India, to cut costs, isn’t it stupid, that we are paying more for getting foreign coaches. See sir to hire a foreign coach, you have to shell out 20, 000$ a month. The same job I can do for just 2000$ a month. And I won’t complain of crowded schedules. As long as I keep going to the Carribean, Down Under, S. Africa and get to ogle at the babes in bikinis, I don’t mind it at all. See sir how much you are saving just because of me.
Sir I know that regardless of whatever I do or not do , the team is anyway going to lose in England, Australia, New Zealand and S.Africa. Yes I know I will be made scapegoat and get chucked out after a year, but 24, 000$ per annum, means I would already have stacked up everything by then. And it doesn’t matter. After one year I will write a book “My Summer with Team India” and that will be a bestseller. And also after the end of my tenure, people in India will stop watching cricket, and switch over to soccer, Formula 1 racing, tennis. Since we have always complained about cricket taking pride of place, am I not rendering a service by making other sports popular.
So sir, keeping in mind all this, I hope I am a fit candidate.
Yours Truly
An Indian
PS: MS walo, If you feel that I am the right choice for coach, press VU, if not, press NU, else press the U button, thanks a lot.*