The following is based on a true life incident. Any resemblance to names and characters is completely intentional.
This review is on a treadmill. It goes nowhere.
General tips on visiting a shopping mall!
Do not ever visit a shopping mall.
But since following this directive will make my review obselete and pointless(which, you will point out, is pointless anyway), you’re welcome not to follow this’general tip’.
I sh*t you not though. I once had the misfortune of being in a crowded shopping mall at opening time, during thanksgiving weekend. I was run over by healthy looking middle aged women on several occasions. They always stopped to help me get up though. Nice of them. I earnestly thanked them each time. But they had no time for banter. They were rushing through the place, looking for the best deals.
It is better to order from amazon, rather than get run over by amazonian women.
Shopping malls are mindbogglingly complex. Just to pretend to make things simple for you, they label each department and have maps of the place for you to pour over.
Call me paranoid if you will, but I suspect shopping malls are devices put in by extra terrestrials to study human behaviour in varying situational contexts. Only a shopping mall can create certain conditions right for a proper study. An individual at home is hardly the same individual when put in a shopping mall. I am sure those afore mentioned ladies are extremely demure and charming in their own homes.
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I seem to have got writers block. For half an hour, my brain refuses to think me some new thoughts. It steadily provides me with a stream of second hand jokes and stale one liners. But lets ramble on.
Whenever you step into a shopping mall, try to get your bearings immediately, with respect to the exit behind you. A friend of mine once strode confidently into a shopping mall, and forgot to follow this simple directive. He eventually made his way to the underground garage and scampered behind exiting cars. This was after he had circled the entire place eight times and helplessly landed up in the food court, in the chinese take-out line thrice.
Carefully concealed’exit’ signs mocked him.
Asking directions to the exit is tricky. If, after asking, you don’t find the exit right away, and have to ask someone else again, it is quite likely that the second person has a different exit in mind while giving you directions. And since you couldnt find the first one to which youre probably nearer, its less likely you will find the second one before having to ask again. And being sent in another direction.
Never search for someone who is lost somewhere in a shopping mall. Never tell others to wait while you go and find the missing person. Invariably, you will get lost, and the person you are searching for, will find his way to the gathering. This makes for a very irritated group of friends. Finding your way around is greatly aided with a compass.
In fact, you must never enter a shopping mall without a compass and a survival kit. Unfortunately these things are not readily available at home. Chances are, you would have to go to a shopping mall to get them.
Activities to partake in inside a shopping mall, include leering (what is this life, if full of care? We have no time to ogle, leer or stare), searching for exits, reading maps, eating chinese(the food! the food!) and shopping.
Shopping is the most expensive amongst all these. I would not recommend it. Shopping is for losers. You dont want to be an also-shopped in life. It might be a whole lot more interesting(and financially viable) selling, rather than shopping! You dont even need to own a shop in the shopping mall. Just enter, (remember to get your bearings), sit down at the nearest empty space on the floor, and spread out the things you would like to sell.
In the near future I will post a review on subsequent legal procedures. Also, read up on my reviews on’bail applications’. They will be very useful. If all else fails, my reviews on’how to dig a tunnel using only a wooden spoon’ will be of considerable value to you.
I thank you for your time. And regret the time you will get if you follow my advise.
As always, comments and brickbats awaited.