Driving in Chennai, Bangalore, Hyderabad
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For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and
daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for
survival. They are applicable to every place in India
except Bihar, where life
outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma
where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.
The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road,
unless
it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also
occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most
drivers don’t drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally
intended direction.
Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a
belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better
position. Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants
to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the
back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when
traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister
is in Town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us
not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries.
We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust
(two brisk blasts), or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the
bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read
them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister’s
motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic
meets underground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking
colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an
illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go
at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting
with success.
Auto Rickshaw(Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a
rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an
ext ernal combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and
creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or
passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.
After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed
into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are
not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are
pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with
other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn
Newton’s laws
of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow
the road r ules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to
irritate.
Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes
noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and
travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough
for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road;
they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them
and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are
given free
passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are
passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings
and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but
obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload(so
many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer
clear of these buses by a width o f three passengers.
One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add
jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don’t stick to the literal meaning
and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that
you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like,
in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound
hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast
driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed
breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water
and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy
identification by the corporation authorities, should they want
to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience
for those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is
like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst
the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon
turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it,
just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the
phenomenon passes.
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not
blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the
truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack(alcohol) he has
had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little
more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are
licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light
about six feet above the ground. Th is is not a super motorbike, but a
truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It
could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You
may prove your point.