I have had dealings with depression since the age of 8. Although this age you cannot really suffer from it I certainly had problems in my life that would eventually lead to the depression I have had all my life. Now at the age of 31, I have learnt to control/manage it to a certain degree. It’s not been easy and even now I still have difficult and bad times.
My difficulties started when at the age of 8, we were(brother and sister, both older) taken away from my father to live with my mum and my father’s best friend. We didnt get to understand what had happened. As the youngest I was expected not to understand too much. So mainly I was left to deal with the feelings I had on my own. My father then died when I was 16, from cancer. Only later did we know that the cancer had been caused by radiation exposure during his work in the docks on submarines.
I have always contributed the main part of my depression on this separation from my father and his eventual death. Other events in life have, though, added to the problems. In short I have had to go through attempted rape, mental and physical abuse, anorexia, dependancy on drugs and alcohol, feelings of agoraphobia, flasher, betrayal of friends and family and the constant feeling of being controlled and blamed for most things in my life.
I have had countless drugs, counselling and visits to psychologists and CPN’s(community psychiatric nurses) and have now awaiting a visit to the locum psychiatrist. I wish now to have a proper diagnoses I know and my doctors know what they are dealing with. I am sick of being experimented with, with countless different drugs. I still suffer from sadness, aggression, feelings of continual low, the desire to stay in bed, food related problems, alcohol problems and general mood swings from low to aggression to low.
I have learnt to use my depression to my advantage. Instead of allowing others to control my moods, I don’t let them win. I have learnt to see that I matter, no one else(except those who I choose to matter), and no one puts me down. Yes, I still have days where this isn’t possible to do but I have succeeded in the past and I will again. I have fought and won in battles of anorexia, drink problems, suicidal thoughts and self harm. I have now set up a msn community site for Bisexual women who may/may not have depression. I wish to help others who have gone through similar things to me. To teach them to value themselves.