*Hi friends**,
I dunno what to say. I’m writing on the pages of ***Mouthshut**
once again, after a period of a year. Is this my comeback? No yaar, its
not. Is it a goodbye then? I hate to use that word. Technically
speaking, this is my last article as manoj101.
You might ask me
if I will still be associated with MS. Yes, I will. Who wouldnt?!
Somehow, anyhow, I always want to be associated with MS. Then, why am I
quitting as a member? I will tell you why.
*manoj101’s early days**.
Why
did manoj101 join MS in the first place? As many of the veteran members
may be aware(reading my earlier reviews) I was just recovering from a
major depression two years ago. I loved a girl dearly in my company but
she rejected my proposal. Never ever had I cried so bitterly in my life
than I did that night. I quit that company in the cosmopolitan city and
came back to Kerala, to recover. During the process of recovery, I
happened to chance upon Mouthshut in google.com. I was a complete
stranger simply staring at the reviews of other members here. And then
a thought popped up, "*Why not write a review*?" All I need are my
thoughts & English! Anyway I required a positive change, so I took
the chance. Since I love movies dearly, I wrote my first review on
Malayalam movie Nandanam. Few comments trickled in and I got a good
number of hits too. And that’s how, like countless other MSians, I got
hooked here. Who wouldn’t get hooked watching the number of hits one
gets for his/her reviews? Who can resist the joy of receiving the
fabulous comments of others? Who wouldn’t want only "*Very useful*" stamps of approval? I still recall with a smile that veteran member **Diver**(Teny) was the first to comment on my first review.
And
so, the days, weeks, months and a year passed by as manoj101. During
this long period, as appreciation began to pour in, I began to
labour(really labour) to write a better review. To get the next "*beautiful review*", "coool* review*", "chweet* review*"
comments, I sat for two hours, three hours or even more in a day to
produce an article that will bring me my next fodder - a positive
comment! At what cost? At the cost of my academics or other significant
priorities in my life. At the time, I didn’t care. MS helped me quickly
& tremendously to recover from my depression. Addiction towards
people’s response to my reviews or comments began to fill the vacuum
left by the rejection I faced from the girl I loved.
*Members Afrank(Sujata) and Akisha(Sonika)*
Which
elderly(lol) MS member does not know these 2 members? Especially the
former, who, at one point of time, was arguably the most popular member
here.
*Afrank*
When I was in the initial weeks of being in MS, I noticed another popular member **jai_coer**(Jai)’s cool reviews. While racing thru the comments section of his reviews, I caught *Sujata*’s comments. I wondered, "*How do I get her comment in my review too*?!"
How do I get a comment from one of the most popular members in MS? I
thought it’s an uphill task. But one fine day, I wrote a review on the
book "*Liberated Parents, Liberated Children*". And there she was,
quietly knocking at the door, and leaving a sweet & short comment.
Her first comment to my review! I was like, "*Yipeee*!" And so,
gradually yet steadily, her feedback began to pour in. Finally, it
reached a stage where I couldn’t sleep well if I didn’t receive a reply
to my comment to her reviews! Believe it or not, friends. And I didn’t
want to leave simply a comment. I wanted to leave a thrilling, exciting
or a hilarious comment. Why? Because I craved for her appreciation! Her
soothing, nice words were kinda therapeutic. They made me temporarily
forget my boredom or criticisms from my family or the hatred I felt for
myself for not doing anything significant in life. My whole day
revolved around eating, sleeping, bathing and writing reviews or
sharing my experiences in MS. And sometimes, when *Sujata* used
to leave a rather cold reply or comment(or so I felt), I would feel
pretty miserable the entire day. And then, I would go searching
longingly for the next appreciation, from the next female MS member I
could find. And there came on the hilltop, *Sonika*:)
*Akisha*
Before I speak further, I must clarify something. Some may wonder, "*Arey, who’s this fella? A psycho from Darr stalking annoyed female MS members*?".no
yaaar. I was just like a regular boy in your neighbourhood who gets
such a high hearing compliments from any female. Which normal fella
wouldn’t?:)
I remember *Sonika*’s first comment to my review on the book "*Living the 7 habits*"
- simple & funny in a matter-of-fact way. But I’d this initial
perception that she was very formal and a no-nonsense woman with a
stiff upper lip! And slowly, as I began to read her reviews, I realised
that this PhD lady can be so hilarious and quite warm & jovial in
her reviews or comments.
And so, here I was, moving between *Sujata*’s and *Sonika*’s comments or replies to me. And even when *Sonika
used to leave her rather stiff or cold(or so I assumed) replies, I
felt dejected all over again. With a hunched back & packed bags, I
trekked again with a sour face to search for the next lady’s comments
who could rescue me from the psychological emptiness inside. *Like the Lady Knight saving the prince in distress*:)
That could be anyone including **Chimera**(Swathi), **keerti_007**(Keerti), **bluerain**(Ria), **artsed**(Lisa), **bewafa**(Ena) or **nenners**(Neha).
Yes
MS, or more specifically, its members, made me feel better after that
tragic love story in Bangalore but I was gradually sinking into another
pit because of my addiction for appreciation. Finally, it reached the
limit where I could not write a review or comment even when I sincerely
wanted to do so. I realised I didn’t really want to sit for two or
three hours to conjure a review or comment in "*great English*". Crazy thoughts like "*What will the MSians think if my next review or comment isn’t informative or masti enough for them*?". My ego, after all the "*adulation*" it received, couldn’t handle that thought and I quit. Quit writing reviews or comments.
So,
have I matured now? Will I strike a balance in my life and begin
writing reviews again and only when I sincerely feel to do so? Sadly,
I’ve not yet shed my egoistic walls. Today, I’d rather sit back and
simply smile at others reviews and encourage them anonymously.
(*continued in comments.*)