I love Bipasha Basu and I am one of the rare breed who can stand Dino Morea.
The movie Ishq Hai Tumse is a torture to put it mildly and an assault on audiences everywhere to put it even more mildly.
New movies, new terms. Chameli was a Multiplex Pot Boiler. This one is a Universal Super Duper Flop. (Kya? Yes Kya?) It does not even deserve to be reviewed, let alone watched. So how did I watch it, well read above, I love(d) Bipasha Basu and some of the music was catchy enough. (Lame Excuses, ya I know, par hey dont you know Pyar Andha Hota Hai? Just wish it was Deaf and Mute too.) I doubt if it will do well in either interiors or exteriors. Doing well is another issue, pehle one must find someone who will recommend this movie to anyone to see ... (Actually, a good test of people, anyone tells you go watch this, you know how well intentioned he/ she is). Alright I think I have gone way too far already and dont need to be so slimy and over the top in deriding the effort.
What a Story?
What a Screenplay?
Producer and Director and others together: Oye Hoye! Inni vi ki mushkil hai, dekho we will have a Hindu - Muslim family (we planned to release it in month of Ramzan you see, but the stupid postponements galore :@), pucca dosts, shuttle between Lucknow and Mumbai (Sahara anyone? No ways, they were too rude, wanted Aishwarya and Amitabh, now we dont have that kind of budget so we wont even mention that, no matter if Lucknow is famous more for Sahara than its Tehzeeb now). Two weddings ala HAHK, one of hamari pyari heroines pyari si elder sister jaan and one of heroine jaan herself. In between lets put heart attacks, kidney transplants (yes yes) and lots of ’’Na Tum Jaano Na Hum’’ kind of crying and mushing (mushing, yeah whatever). Now that done, what else was needed? Screenplay? Oh well, Sooraj Barjatya penned an absolute gem of artistry with Hum Aapke Hain Kaun and Aditya Chopra did not do bad with DDLJ either. So lets just mix and match them. Yeah! But that would look too obvious. And audience wants something new these days, but they are also stuck with formula of lush and mush. Rightso, so lets go for a Muslim wedding. Oh wonderful! Lets replace Punjabi sangeet with Lucknawi Qawali and Saat Pheras with Kubool Hai. I mean what the heck more the audience wants? We are sparing them Karva Chauth ka Vrat even. And yes, we are also going to revolutionize filmi weddings. Other than the two families, we wont get any chachas and chachis and foofad and foofi ji’s either. Even the grooms wont have any family. Aint it great idea? You know People Sheople are fed up with all the wed up. So whether it is Sangeet or whether it is even the Shaadi itself, lets just get some extras to dance with Lucknawi caps and put in these people to fill the screen.
WHAT TO (NOT) WATCH OUT FOR
Alok Nath Now this performance of his should beat anything he has done so far. He plays the Muslim patriarch and gets a daadi going with a sherwani and cap and has absolute ROFLing scenes (unintentionally ofcourse). Some of them are:
Seeing that his best friend has kidney failure (ek vi nahi, dono, ek dum, achanak, sachi muchi, dekh lo movie nahi tou), he donates one of his own - Dr. Saab meri kidney check karo, I am sure mere dost ko pucca match karegi.
He sings a shayari for his wife in the typical filmi style on a family occasion and the wifey dear blushes as usual.
He also gets a Friendship song with the Hindu patriarch friend, Maulwi aur Pandit Ki Yaari .......
Himani Shivpuri Yes she is also there in a repeat of DDLJ role, only this time she also gets a few love scenes going. Her defining moment:
Chahe kuch mat kaho par yeh mat kaho ... (???) That comes when Tiku Talsania, with whom she has been in love with, tells her, that he may be kuch din ka mehmaan. Wonder why they did not get married early, no answers, find them yourself, answer find karne wale ko inaam - Himani Shivpuri ki Best Five Performances ki VCD free.
Tiku Talsannia Now he sings like the daadi in KHNH, and has heart problem and his heart fails at the most inopportune time when he was going to make hero and heroine meet (now that happens only ten minutes after interval, so they had to do this, else picture kaise badhegi aage?). He also gets a love angle with Himani Shivpuri to completely make the film fully you know what.
Family Game: Yeah! Antaksharis are pass. Carry the Handkerchief is in. And it is pathetic. Now I dont know the name to the game properly, so let me tell you how it is played (why are you saying no?) See it starts like this. There are two teams, and one name from each is announced. Two people come near a circle which has a handkerchief. So take the hankie but other teams person should not touch you like in Kabaddi you see. And haarne wale ko saza sunayi jayegi which go like ’’Shayri sunao’’, ’’Izhaar karo’’
Misplaced Songs - Scene: Hero’s uncle leaves from the airport and next we have a song at Swiss Alps with the Hero and Heroine(Kya? Yes Kya?)
CLIMAX Bland! The heroine’s abba jaan listens to the conversation between hero and heroine on how the hero loves her and yet has not told her (???). Voila! so what will now Abba Jaan do? Tension, music goes blah blah blah and everyone’s face is tense, those who know the secret, theirs and those who dont, theirs too, added punch. The countdown begins:
Heroines dullah has come, he is not Dino. He says yes to the Kaazi.
Kaazi goes to heroine (Bipasha). Heroine squirms.
Abba jaan on the scene now, ’’Beta tum bolti kyun nahi’’.
Abba jaan collapses, he has heart attack (kidney failure, heart attack and again heart failure).
Abba jaan in hospital, doctors have no clue what has happened.
Abba jaan ’’Please Suraj (Dino) ko bhej do mere paas’’.
What will he say? What will he say? Nothing. He gets up calm as a cucumber and tells the hero, ki agar main yeh natak na karta to how on earth would you marry my daughter (Kya? yes Kya?). He again collapses and the family comes in the room and again rises from ashes and tells them that hero and heroine love each other aur hamari dosti ki khatir they did all this. Blah Blah Blah!
What not to Expect
Any remote hint of acting by anyone in the whole cast or even the famous Dino-Bips chemistry (rest as they say was not chemistry)
Any hot scenes (its a family film)
Any hint of good innovative song picturizations (I mean they loki change kare sige mountains where the songs of Raaz were picturized, hor kinaa innovative tussi want?)
Anything remotely resembling commercial taali maar dialogues or moments to cherish for the classes (arrey bidu! woh balcony mein baith kar machhar aur AC aur seat aur Canteen aur Picture ki complaint karne wala)
Anything else you want to expect in a positive way, I dont have time or energy to write all that.
What to Expect?
Awful Story
Awful Screenplay
Awful Dialogues
Awful Acting
Awful Direction
Awful Choreography
Awful Photography
Awful Costume Designing
Awful ... Awful .... Awful .....
If you manage to view this one, send in your nominations to Red and White Bravery Awards. You will win it for sure. Kya? Yes Kya?