*Kalti Classic**- A movie that is so bad and so horrendous, you love watching it for the sheer unintentional hilarity it provides. It is the kinda so bad that it is so good movie, which you end up watching. It is a guilty pleasure to which you are addicted.
This **kalti classics** series is dedicated to my late nights on TV, when I spent times watching some outrageously bad movies. Why did I even watch them? Well just to see if there could be something good in it, or just for the fun it provides.
And I kick start the series with my all time favorite Kalti Classic, **Jaani Dushman- Ek Anokhi Kahani(2002).** Once upon a time there was a rich spoilt boy, called **Armaan Kohli**, whose dad, **Raj Kumar Kohli**, was famous for the **"spot the star"** multi starrers he used to make in the 70’s and 80’s. Movies like **Naagin, Jaani Dushman, Insaniyat Ke Dushman, Badle Ki Aag**.
Movies which could make it to the **Kalti Classics Hall of Fame** any day. So one day, beta Armaan came and told him, Papa, i** am bored, main bhi film star banna chahta hoon, kuch karo na. **Papa Kohli then made a couple of movies with Beta, but the audiences said Na Na. And none of the producers wanted to even touch **Beta Kohli** with a barge pole.
Beware of a Papa’s wrath, and sure enough Papa decided to scream Badla against the audiences who rejected his son, and against the movie industry who did not accept him either. And so Papa Kohli, decided to make a movie, where Beta Armaan would be the main character and then in a masterstroke of genius, he would get some other actors to star in the movie, and they would be bumped off one by one.
The **"phormula" **was simple, Papa Kohli recycled the story of his earlier movie **Naagin**, and used the title of his earlier flick. In order to differentiate it from his earlier movie, he added the tag line Ek Anokhi Kahani. And its truly anokhi. Consider this, a college called **Indian Institute of Education, **where the students are ahem, **Akshay Kumar, Sunil Shetty, Aditya Pancholi, Arshad Warsi, Aftab Shivdasani, Sharad Kapoor** and of course the **"Aunty of them all" ** **Manisha Koirala**. And if that was not Anokhi enough, **Aunty Ji** is in love with **Uncle Ji Sunny Deol**, who also happens to be doing some post grad course in **London**. By the way **Uncle Ji** has a brother, **Sonu Nigam**, who is eternally confused between singing and talking. When he says **"Bhaiyya"**, it is difficult to make out whether he is talking or singing.
In the midst of all this, there is **Raj Babbar**, who is the principal of the college, who also happens to be a Christian priest and a boxing coach and a promoter. Had me referring to **Wikipedia**, for any other boxing coaches who were Christian priests, sadly could find none. Anyway **beta Armaan**, keeps pursuing **Aunty Jee**, telling her that they were lovers in Pichle Janam. The flashback goes something like this. Beta Armaan and Aunty Koirala, were **ichadhari naags**, a kind of snake which could change their shapes. They became famous in the 70’s & 80’s Bollywood, when you had a lot of those **Naag-Naagin** movies.
So Armaan and Auntyji do a Naag Dance, which is a mixture of rythmic gymnastics and kamasutra poses. Fair enough, but their hapiness is spoilt by a Rishi, played by **Amrish Puri**, who gives them a shaap. Cant blame him, though, imagine, having a heavyweight **Aunty Jee** doing a dance right above you, and then having to listen to an equally tuneless song.
Anyway both Aunty Naag and Armaan Nag, implore with the Rishi, to forgive them. Rishi Ji, obliges, not due to any change in heart, but unable to put up with any more hamming from both Aunty and Armaan. He gives Armaan special powers, but asks him to be a Banyan tree for some time, so that the audiences are not subjected to any torture. But Aunty Jee, tells Armaan, that she is already Uncle Sunny Ji’s hone wali, so jaao. However in the finest traditions of Bollywood movies, since pyaar hamesha Amar hota hai, one fine day, two **"baad men", ** the ever lecherous Manik Bedi, and Siddarth, lure Aunty Jee into a trap and rape her. By the way, the "baad men" are also good mimicks, as they imitiate the voices of all the other students when they invite Aunty Jee for a party.
Actually both "baad men" had earlier attempted to rape Aunty Jee, but Uncle Sunny arrived from nowhere and beat the day lights out of them. Aunty Jee feels that all the other students set her up, and so she becomes an Aatma, and with help from Armaan, goes on a killing spree.
The rest of the movie is a Kalti Classic, as we have scenes generously copied from **Terminator, Matrix** and a host of other sci fi movies, along with some unbelievably shoddy graphics. Some of the dialogues are Kalti style.
In one scene Sunil Shetty, asks Aunty Jee to pardon the two "baad men", who attempted to rape her. And she asks him, ** "Agar Preeti ke saath, aise kiya hota, to kya tum yehi karte"**. And Sunil Shetty replies** " Tukde Tukde kar deta unko, phir bhi main kehte hoon, maaf kur unhe".** Implication is clear, my girlfriend is purer than the white snow, but you are expendable.
As for things like performances, ahem, not even worth mentioning. But standout would be Sonu Nigam, for the way he says "**Bhaiyya".** So hoping to see ya more with other Kalti Classics, any reccos would always be welcome.