It is one of the days I dread being alive. Horror stories doesnt seem to scare me anymore. This is the doom I dread. I am sure many of those of my gender had the same feeling.
’Davie, we have a mission’, Calls the commander in chief.
’sure, Is this the regular?’
’yes it is’
’Any change in the mission parameter?’ Asking this was my biggest mistake.
’Well, ummmm, may be we can think about this during the mission’
’ok, what time?’ you can read this as’I am doomed anyway, how soon can I get it over with’
Ok, so you guys must be thinking Davie is on a mission to save the world. Trust me, the adrenalin rush, the bullets stalking the path I run, the grenades exploding behind my back as I make a run, Being held hostage in the enemy camp, tortured, killing a few( many) bad guys, are all the days work and a vacation by the beach.
But this mission is what I dread most. It is inevitable. It is shopping. Shopping by myself is quiet ok. But with the company of Commander in chief, Senora Flora, is what I fear most. Ok, I love her company. She is a delight to the eye she is a dream come true. The dreams take a 360 degree turn when I have to accompany her for mission shopping. Prior to her getting a TVS scooty( check my review on this if you have time) the mission parameters err. shopping were restricted to a select few targets, or must I say, shopping malls. But, now since I have the poor vehicle which does its part of chartering us around the town, satisfying the whims of the commander, the missions and the targets have increased.
The commander lays out a blue print much before the mission execution. Somewhere in the paper she would read of some special offer ’50% off’, or Buy one get one free that particular parts are incorporated into the mission project file i.e her diary where she maintains all the details. Then after a few more collections like that, the initial plan starts framing in her mind, which she would discuss with her Commando Officer, chauffeur, Gunman, Body guard all in one human body, ME. The initial discussion would be the ammunition( read as budget) and the targets( what we need to buy), Which usually gives me the jitters.
We have seen in every war/commando movie, that the commandos need to know the target. Either through espionage or the areal Satellite shots. Somewhere on the way back home from office, The commander would just drop in to see what could be bought and for what price. This, needless to say, goes into the mission project file. Now the ground work for the mission is ready. we know the targets, we know the ammunition we need. Either Air strike( Credit cards) or the Ground attack(Cash), or sometimes both. This is where I love my commander in chief. She knows exactly how much ammunition we need, owing to a weeks worth of mission ground work and surveillance reports( colleagues shopping experience). We are all set.
First we strike the place where lot of targets are to be taken. The entire mission(all targets inclusive) is to be completed in 4 hours flat. The research work done before saves us a lot of time on getting the targets. But things arent easy as it sounds. To fool the enemy the focus is given to the items not on our target list. so, my commander goes on to check the price and quality of every item in chronological order, decide if this goes into the target list of the current mission or future missions.
No the Mission Executioner( that’s me), puts the mission on hold, and has a quick discussion with the commander.
’commander, We take this target now, and save ourself another mission’
’Well, I need to check with my fellow commanders( God bless their husbands) if this item is worth the target list’.
’Well, we dont want to come back here for another mission do you.’
’I havent thought about it yet.’
The mission executioner is close to panic and just about to freak out, when the commander gives out a million watt smile and says’Please, cant you do this for me!’ with her eyes twirling and eye lashes going up and down. Who can resist that? I could kill for that.
’ok’ I say, says the Mission executioner, the voice sounds like he was hypnotized.
After a brief period of 4 and a half hours( Did I say that was brief), which seemed like an eternity( I am hypnotized remember), attacking every outpost, Guard towers( deciding if wee need it or not), the final stage of this Phase mission is set. This is my favorite. The payment. The bills is settled, the mission is accomplished and we walk out with the targets, usually more than what we planned for, to move on to the next phase of our mission.
Translation
The store we have visited just now is Lifestyle in Chennai. She decides to buy two shirts for me, two for her dad, one each for her brothers( two brothers)Thats Phase one. Total value of the ammo on this was Rs. 4500 /-( due to the coupons collected from the newspapers, we spent just Rs 3200 /-)
Phase two is in Spencers plaza( I call this Spenders Plaza), This is the deadliest part of the mission, because we are going shopping for her dress material and sarees.
Please leave your sympathy for me in your comments.
Davieboy.