Welcome to Mumbai’s highly efficient local train service. The question here is: who is the efficient one out there? The railway authorities: Well, they’re not so bad, but considering that Mumbai’s local train commuters add up to 50% of the country’s passenger traffic (yes, it’s a fact, astonishing as it may sound), a lot, lot more could be done. No, this review is a tribute to Mumbai’s super-efficient commuters, who make the most of limited time and space and have enormous capacity for bearing G-Forces of the highest degree. So, you need to get to Churchgate from Borivali in about an hour. What’s the only mode of transport in Mumbai which can make that possible? Easy - Western railway. Do the trains operate on a high frequency? Sure, almost one every 2 minutes during the morning rush. Will it be smooth and comfortable? Er, um, smooth, yes, but comfortable - maybe if you stretch the definition of comfort by several thousand times. So, let’s go step - by- step and see what you need to do to make your trip to Churchgate from Borivali during the peak rush possible: 1) Select the most strategic position on the railway bridge. You should be close to both the fast and slow train platforms. Fast trains can save you a few minutes of the great crunch, but they are invariably late, so the degree of the crunch is higher. Slow trains take a little longer, but they’re more punctual. And since Mumbaikars are fast aadmis, they all queue up for the fast trains so that the rush for slow trains is less. So, your best bet is to go for the one which arrives on the platform first. Be careful: You should be able to see the indicators clearly, hear the announcements (which, though, are too late on most occasions), get a glimpse of the arriving train from a distance before the rest spot it and be close to the stairways. If you fail to compute and solve correctly this linear programming problem correctly, you’ve lost the race even before it’s begun. 2) When either the announcement comes or you spot the train (the correct one at that), make a dash for the correct stairway. Now there will be some senior gents or persons of generous endowment who will amble along at what pace they can muster. Make sure you change tracks (changing tracks in the Great Train Race does not entertain disqualification!) in the nick of time. Twist your body in all possible directions to ensure the swiftest passage to the platform. 3) Once on the platform, you must stand at the best position. Select your compartment carefully. Different people have different preferences and strategies. Of course, if you’re travelling first class, you don’t have to make these choices. There are only two first class sections in the entire train, pick either one, doesn’t make much difference. You should stand neither too near or too far away from the edge of the platform. If you’re too near, you’ll be pushed behind by the hordes of commuters dangling by the edge of the doorway of the arriving train. If you’re too far away, you’ll give others vying for the same compartment a headstart. 4) The train arrives. Remember : you cannot afford to wait until the train comes to a complete halt. There’s no way you’ll be able to board the train in that case. It has to be at some point before it halts. Question is: When? You can only learn by experience. The first few days will be hard on you. Lekin, parishram ka fal mitha hota hai, so don’t lose heart. You’ll learn. If you value your life, don’t jump too early. If you want to get in, don’t jump too late. That’s all I can say. 5) Once you’ve jumped in, push your way inside as much as possible. Never be afraid to jostle your way in: nobody will mind, everybody knows what you’re going through. Try to get to the gangway near the seats. You won’t get to sit 9 out of 10 times, but atleast, you won’t have to endure the stampede of alighting and boarding commuters at each station. 6) Always prepare to alight one station before your halt. Of course, if you’re halting at Churchgate, it’s the terminating point, so no problem. Else, unless you prepare in advance, you’ll only manage to get down at the next halt and will have to board a train going in the opposite direction to get to your destination. If many commuters regularly get down at your halt, then the Automatic Transit System will take care of you. What’s that - some cool hi-tech gadgetry? Nahi, yaar, just co-passengers at the front making way for the others to get down and co-passengers at the back pushing you gradually out of the train(don’t worry, they’ll only force you out after the train reaches the platform). Once you get down, look straight at the guy behind you, give him a shake of the head and a wry smile and wait until he returns it, which he will. After that, you’re on your own and can proceed to your workplace (I’m sure you don’t want to bear the peak crunch just to do some silly sight-seeing). One last point: Beware of Sundays. Don’t be under the impression that train travel on Sundays are a breeze in Mumbai. If you ask me, Sundays are 10 times worse. On Sundays, families leave in platoons of husbands, wives, uncles, aunties and kids to see the ’great city of Mumbai’, er, also to visit their relatives or friends living in the city who are also relieved of work only in the weekend. And these platoons always crowd the general compartment as they want to stay together as one happy family. On weekdays, ladies crowd the ladies compartment and men crowd the general compartment. But on Sundays, everybody crowds the general compartment. Big families with luggage and wailing kids mean the usually efficient Mumbaikar operates at lower levels of efficiency and becomes less co-operative. Trains are fewer and late on Sundays - just nobody has the inclination to work on Sundays. All these put together make Sunday a nightmarish day to travel by train. I don’t see the point of it at all - why do people have to endure the terrible crowding for the seventh day of the week? Take rest at home, it’s only on Sundays that you get time to look around your home properly. Or go off to some resort or hill-station, anything but Mumbai Darshan on Sunday. So, let me conclude by saying that there is no exaggeration in my description of the daily train commute in Mumbai, this is how it is. And the best part is : you know what, we get used to it and revel in it with enthusiastic shouts and screams as if we’re playing Fear Factor. So, tongue-firmly-in-cheek, enjoy your taste of the cheapest adventure sport in the world. Range: 4 - 12 rupees, depending on how long you want to play it.bout are not for public consumption anymore. Hence, I’d like that they not be able for reading at all. Since there appears to be no way to personally take down these reviews, this will have to do in the interim. My sincere apologies to anyone who clicked on this link expecting to read a review.