OUTBURST WARNING Angrrrr..yy Matrix(1999) Fan : Parental Advisory.
For those kids who I know will suggest that my review be more tender and less subjective.
These kids belong primarily to two catagories :
1.) Who werent as much in love with the first movie as me, and not nearly as much in bereavement after the third.
2.) Boneheaded pseudo intellectual Matrix ’’fans’’ who believe that Neo after the third ws elevated to Boddhivasta, and still believe that the movie is an epic with ’’religious’’ overtones.
WHY REVIEW NOW ?
Because MovieFan90 just recently reviewd Boring Claptrap Part II, and though it ws a fabulous review, I want the sadistic satisfaction of tearing Part III apart all for myself, also in the process save YOU frm spendng ur hard earned money on buying one of them matrix revolutions VCD’s.
Hopefully this review will deter you from seeing the movie, if you haven’t seen it yet, which is a very good thing to have happened.
THE REVIEW :
Like a typically nice and conventional moutshut reviewer
First. The good things about the movie.
1>) If YOU happen to be George Lucas, you can finally rest assured that you’re no longer the only person in history to ruin an almost impossible-to-ruin sequel.
2>)Trinity dies.
3>)There was a ten minute preview for the new ’’Lord of the Rings’’ movie.
It took me 10 minutes to write that last paragraph, not just because I find it hard to be nice but also everything else about this movie was sht, except for the special effects, which aren’t as impressive as they used to be.
There’s something about seeing ’’bullet-time’’ special effects in Lebanese music videos that doesn’t make it cool anymore
The dialogue is tacky,
For example, each time a character asked the question ’’what do you want?’’ It was always answered with ’’the same thing you want.’’ The pain you suffer during this movie registers somewhere between being jack-hammered in the face and having scissors jammed into your
SAMPLE DIALOGUE ( with pseudo religious overtones )
Neo : What do I need to do ?
Oracle : You KNOW what you need to do
Neo : Where do I need to go ?
Oracle : You KNOW where you need to go
Neo : What do you want ?
Oracle : The same thing you want.
Neo : What are you going to tell me ?
Oracle : That you already know what I am going to tell you
Neo : How will I know im making the right choice ?
Oracle : You will know .. !!
Neo : How did you know ?
Oracle : I didnt know I believed !
Homer Simpson : HEY ! When will we get to the fireworks factory ?
drain_bamaged (sitting next to Homer): Hey *holes, why not save a step and dont bother asking the questions ? Because apparantly THE ENTIRE DARNED PLOT CAN BE INFERRED BY SUBTEXT ALONE.
Charachter Scrutiny ( How the characthers could have been better ?)
Neo : replace him with a wooden plank traced with a ’mean face’ and spend his fee on getting ppl of Zion a shave and some clean, untattered clothes.
Agent Smith : replace him with He-Man and the Masters of the Universe’s ’Skeletor’ so that when he gives that loud sadistic ’’HEHEHAHA !’’ and conjures lightening, ppl don’t raise eyebrows, and worse still their voice.
Monica Belluci : More screen time, more cleavage.
The Kid : More impossible heroics. Anything that takes the camera off Keanu Reeves
Oracle : Less cigerette, reverse her philosophy major and replace it with common sense.
Morpheus : Just replace all of him.
Things which make me take personal offence in STUPID BORING CLAPTRAP PART III :
1.) That giant senseless laser fight, between sentinels and Zion bots ( aka cargo dockers in James Cameroon’s movie Aliens ) which lit up even my tightly shut eye-lids, with the phoney looking SFX whch made it all feel like some outof control Xbox game with the joystick with somebody else.
2) Neo dies after Trinity and not the other way around.
3) When the credits roll, thrs an awfully american accented recitation of verses from the Rig Veda.
4) And now the worst, the movie ends with the Oracle, Architect talking about the ’future’ ..
Oracle : How long will this peace last ?
Architect : Not long
drain_bamaged’s mind-God oneway commlink
’’ Oh god il keep my faith. Just dont let it be.’’
Oracle : For ever ?
drain_bamaged’s mind-God ..
’’ Take my everythng to not have him say wht he looks like hes going to say anyway’’
Architect : Not for ever. Warner Bros wants to steal more money.
’ Matrix Resurrection’ in the pipeline with ’ the Kid ’ as the new One.
AAAARGGGHHHH NOOOO ! NOOOO ! NOOOO ! NOOO ....
SPOILER WARNING : I know many ppl have problems with the giving away of the story. This review has major spoilers to be held against accusations, if any..