There are directors and there are directors. A bad film, however, is made by a misdirector, who looks feminine enough to be called Miss Director.
Welcome to the world of Karan Joker. According to a press release in the Nikamma Times, the pretty, young thing Karan Joker declared that he intends to direct another film before he begins shooting for the Shah Rukh - Ajay starrer he had planned earlier. Our special correspondent met up with the mis(s)director over hot cups of coffee.
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Karan Joker: This interview will help me practise for my forthcoming show - Koffee With Karan. By the way, what’s your name?
Special Correspondant: Raj.
KJ: Ooh, I love your name ... Shrukie is named ’Raj’ in so many films!
Raj: Shrukie? Is that anyone related to Yukta Mookhey?
KJ: I am talking about my Shah Rukh ... (blusheS)
Raj: (eyebrows raised) Hmm, so I presume that he is there in your next film as well ...
KJ: (shocked at the stupidness of the question) What a dumb question! Of course, he is there. Jab tak rahega kitchen mein cook, tab tak rahega mere filmon mein Shah Rukh.
Raj: (shaking his head) Can this interview get further, please? What will the film’s title be, and what’s the story?
KJ: The story ... let me share a secret with you. Though for that matter, if you give me permission, I won’t mind sharing other ’stuff’ with you, as well ...
Raj: (relieved that the coffee shop is crowded) Can you continue about the secret related to the film’s story, please?
KJ: (with a flick of the hand) You are feeling shy! Anyway, as I was about to say, the story is autobiographical. The title of the film is ’Kabhie Kaantaben Ko Kuch Kuch Ho Na Ho’.
Raj: (horrified, but even more curious) Can you tell us something more about ’K5HNH’?
KJ: Well, to prove that my films are timeless, I am going to rehash each of them to make the screenplay of ’K5HNH’. Shah Rukh will be studying in T.Y.B.Com in KKKKKC College, Kajol will play his friend. Amitabh Bachchan plays a mathematics professor and Archana Puran Singh will play the Handball coach. Needless to say, Rani Mukerji plays Bachchan’s daughter. Amitabh hates to repeat anything that he teaches and he reprimands Kajol who asks him to repeat the explanation for a sum by muttering, ’’Sikha diya, bas ... sikha diya.’’ At this, Shah Rukh tells Kajol, ’’Heyheyheyheyhey, Anjali, kuch kuch sikhaate hain. Tum sum ko nahin samjhogi.’’
Raj: (Shuddering, in a weak voice) Er ... go on.
KJ: (blushes) You are loving it! Ok, then ... hmm, let me think. Attendance will be taken in the class everyday by a Sikh child who counts the students on his fingers. And a flirtatious chap, played by Saif Ali Khan. He flunks his examination, yet does not care and keeps saying ’’What’s there?’’ in his bicycle-tyre voice. However, Amitabh Bachchan telephones Saif and warns him that he would be expelled unless he scores good marks in the next exam. While Amitabh is explaining this, Saif exclaims, ’’Haan mein, magar woh, suniye toh, sir aapne toh, lekin mein, kab se ki ...’’, to which Amitabh replies, ’’Warning de diya, bas de diya.’’
Raj: Oh, so you have copied films from other directors, too?
KJ: (gazing dreamily) Oh yes, don’t you think Farhan looks cute with long hair? Anyway, let me get back to the plot. As always, Saif goes to Shah Rukh in a confused state, and my beloved Shrukie reassures him, ’’Don’t worry. Main hoon na. Che din. Marks in.’’ Both of them hatch a plan to steal the examination papers and manage to do so successfully. They celebrate this by hugging each other gleefully. This scene was very difficult to direct as I was seething with jealousy, but I have never compromised on my script (?) for my personal fantasies.
Raj: Ahem. But, since this film revolves around Shah Rukh, Saif, Amitabh and the female stars, how do you explain the title? Where on earth is Kaantaben?
KJ (with another flick of the wrist) You na, tum bade woh ho. Woh matlab impatient. Incorporating Kaantaben into the script was a stroke of genius. (blushes) Kaantaben plays a maid at KKKKKC College. When Shah Rukh and Saif are hugging each other, she discovers them and starts quivering. And while a brooding chorus goes ’’Aaaa aaa aaa aaa kabhi kaantaben ko kuch kuch ho na ho’’, a message will come on the screen, which will say - ’Kabhi Film, Kabhie Interval’.
Raj: (shocked) WHAT? This disgus ... er, this incredible plot formed only half the film ?!
KJ: (again shocked at the stupidness of the question) Obviously! The audience haven’t even brought out their handkerchiefs, yet. The second half will be a tear-jerker when we realise that Kaantaben has a brain tumour. Sob ... (wiping a tear), it is a very emotional film.
KJ: Anyway, Raj, I told you about my film. Now, you tell me about yourself. Do you do anything apart from journalism?
Raj: Yeah, I am a cartoonist.
KJ: Wow, I can title my next film as ’Kabhi Journalist Kabhie Kartoonist’. Can you show me any of your works?
Raj: (removes a paper from his file and hands it over) I think you will like this. It is a cartoon of Shah Rukh Khan.
KJ: (stares at the drawing intently, and shakes his head) It’s beautiful ... lekin tumhein pata hai kya problem hai? You haven’t drawn Shrukie’s figure, er, physique properly.
Raj: (taken aback) Tumhein kaise pata uska figure kaisa hai ?!
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Sigh. It’s a mad world ...
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Er, for the poor confused souls, I just mixed up all the idiosyncracies in Karan Johar’s films and formed K5HNH! Kabhie Kaantaben ko kuch kuch ho na ho, lekin comments zaroor hone chahiye!