== ?YOU are what you eat, my son, ? said my mother one day serving my plate for dinner.
For a moment I considered what she had said and then for another, the food that was served on my plate. Then, after a little thinking, I replied:
?Mom! I refuse to be lentil porridge!? ==
There are so many things in our traditional staple that I find particularly irksome, some things slightly repulsive and a few downright disgusting and naming them all would take some time; I am a very picky eater. They say, in my last birth I must have been an American lady blonde? who cried at a Cardinal?s feet for a little brains and some sense.
So in this birth God made me a man. He only listened to the ?having some sense? part. No offense meant, of course!
So, like any clichéd high school answer starts, let me begin my review. My ten least favourite foods are as follows:
Gourds
They say, in my last birth, in addition to being a tall lady blonde, I probably had dangerous liaisons with a farmer in the tropics ending up at the feet of a Nicaraguan Cardinal. Gourds put me off completely. I think my disgust for gourds (bitter gourd, this gourd, that gourd, hell gourd) is an attribute that has tailed me since the birth of time. The best way to extract a confession out of me, of a secret I am protecting with all my restraint, is to place a platter full of gourd dishes. You can slice my nails, hang me by my hair (I?d like to see you try doing that?my hair are hardly an inch long!) and you can lock me between two cubes of ice, I won?t speak. Bring a gourd close to my nose?
Must I write more? Please! I?ll show some mercy on my own self!
Ladies? Fingers
Both literal and metaphorical
With ever unfortunate bite on a ladies? fingers? dish, an odd sensation runs down my nerves almost as thought I?m chewing on a mass of slugs or centipedes. It also makes me shiver with horrible disgust to think of the vegetable and remember it?s name! Fingers! No thanks; I think that?s enough torture for one sub heading.
Egg Plant
An eggplant a day keeps happiness at bay. Every man must eat an eggplant in his life.
Happiness is not the only thing we live for.
May the Heavens be with you forevermore!
Eggs
It has a lot to do with stories from childhood that I?m scared of eggs. Yes, I?m scared of them.
What if one of those darned things hatch in my large intestines?
What if they kick at my spleen?
The Heavens better be with me now!
Non-vegetarian Food in General
No, the abhorrence is not about kindness to other animals or supporting PETA or KITA or any such thing. It?s about the solid and childish fear of sprouting an unnaturally feathery tail right through my posterior.
Pterodactylaxman!
Milk with Cream
Once more, it?s not about safeguarding the calf?s rights. It?s a lot with the nasty repulsive tickling sensation that cream has on my tongue! It feels like someone?s set an earthworm wriggling in my mouth! I don?t drink milk because of a medical condition called lactose intolerance.
Even thinking about cream causes my tongue to shrivel up.
Potato Wafers
Anything that makes an audible crunch in my mouth when I bite puts me off thoroughly. And potato wafers make more noise in my mouth then they would under a roller! With every chip that I eat (if I need to), I get a constant feeling someone?s tying a knot to the lower section of my stomach. I keep getting the nasty disgusting feeling that something is rebelling to jump out of my bellybutton.
For the sake of sanity!
Parle G Biscuits
I know they are the country?s most popular and favourite biscuit. Pardon me, but, that is one of the many proofs of the fact that there is a God in heaven.
And that he is married.
Malai Kofta
If cream makes me feel there?s an earthworm in my mouth, this thing makes me feel I?m chewing on a bunch of them. My mother and sister loves Malai Kofta, my father is too polite to have a different opinion? they even made a (completely meaningless) poem on their favourite foods including Malai Kofta for fun?
Satanic Verses indeed!
And let us all squirm with disgust as we come to the final, one and only?
Caramel Custard
This thing has the texture of a slimy bunch of slugs, an obnoxiously sweet taste that sends a wave of nasty goose pimples right down my spine and it slips through the esophagus without having to do anything? It feels as though I?m having my endoscopy done.
That should give you a new perspective.
== Apocalypse Culinairé ==
(To let the reader know, this paragraph was added an hour later during which the writer had a severe bout of concussions? The reader must applaud his sense of composure for his review did not sound like George Bush? Well, almost?)
I won?t speak more of those food items. All I can say is one thing. If by any stroke of fortune I was to dine at your place, you?ll know what I severely detest? unless you?ve chucked me on your Distrust List? in which case, you?d know what to prepare to let me know your feelings about me.
The word ?Culinairé? should make it clear, I?m all for Freedom Fries.
By the way?
Have you noticed almost all American first ladies are blonde?
No offense intended.