I’ll cut right to the chase: This movie was really stupid. No, worse than stupid, so far beyond stupid I can’t even use real words to describe how stupid it was.
The story is no secret. Even if you’ve never seen the ultra-cheesed-out original you know that an astronaut lands on a planet inhabited by a bunch of smart monkeys, and doesn’t like being pushed around.
We begin our stupid-ness on a space station somewhere near Saturn, where some scientists/astronauts/people-in-white-clothing are training monkeys for solo space flights. Leo Davidson (Mark Wahlberg) likes the primates enough but he wants a shot at flying for himself. When an electromagnetic (aka ’’time-travel’’) storm comes too close to the station, Leo decides to rescue a monkey that’s already been lost in the static. He (of course) encounters some bright lights and big booms, and ends up crashing on a nearby planet.
As soon as he arrives, Leo realizes that things are a little off. He, along with hundreds of other humans, are kept in cages by walking and talking apes who want to trade them or kill them or brand them, or all three. But Ari , the daughter of the Apes’ political leader (and who bears an resemblance to post-surgical Michael Jackson), doesn’t think humans should be abused and caged. Leo convinces her to purchase him from slave-trader Limbo as a house-servant. Ari also buys Daena who has a thing for Leo.
Leo and Daena end up working as caterers at Ari’s father’s dinner party. Guests include a snooty orangutan, a vicious gorilla named Colonel Attar and General Thade , a Danny Devito-like chimpanzee who compensates for his short stature by growling at everything and jumping around a lot. When Thade’s not wheezing like an asthmatic Jack Palance, he’s trying to win over Ari, who’s not really impressed with his Alpha-Male routine. She’d rather mate with the heroic yet sensitive spaceman, who returns Ari’s longing glances and finds beauty in her ability to write with her feet. But Leo also yearns for Daena for some reason. An odd interspecies love triangle ensues.
Anyway, impatient Leo is anxious to get back to his ship, so he easily escapes from the ape city, taking Daena, Ari, Ari’s gorilla bodyguard, and a few other stragglers with him. They travel over jungle and desert on their way to Calima, an ancient ruin that holds the secrets to the Apes’ origins (gee, what could they be?). When we discover why the place is called ’’Calima’’ I have to wonder how stupid these apes really are.
Thade and his army march to Calima to have it out with that pesky astronaut once and for all, and then some other stuff happens that will either confuse you or disappoint you. Or both. Characters seen only briefly until now suddenly take presidence, only to disappear again.
That was the plot and u have to see the ending to belive it and I am sure you are gonna repent. My 2 hours of life are wasted.