Eureka! Eureka!!
After watching “Qayamat” on Saturday evening, I emerged out of the theatre with the satisfaction of having been served a sumptuously delicious “Triple Szechwan” serving. Here’s why:
All the patriotic sports fanatics out there who have long wondered why a nation with a population of more than 100 crores cannot win a single medal at the Olympics, rejoice! Ajay Devgan is a very bright prospect to win the Decathlon at the next Olympics!
At the local level, MSians might also rejoice (albeit, with Mouths Shut) that Devgan is an active non-member (guys who read reviews without being registered as members) of MS! Can’t believe it?
Finally, for those of you confused whether or not to invest in IDBI Bonds, the answer is a resounding “No”.
No other movie has given me so many enlightening insights into so many aspects in recent times as “Qayamat” has. It came as no big revelation that this is an unabashed copy of the Hollywood blockbuster – “The Rock”. I mean, which movie is not “inspired” from the west these days? In the very unlikely event that it doesn’t resemble any previously released Hollywood movie, it deserves to be nominated for the “Best Foreign Film” at the Oscars (like “Devdas”).
Chitrahaar
So then, we have 2 Bollywood (Retd.) heroes – Sanjay Kapoor and Arbaaz Khan, both blessed with infinite amounts of just 2 expressions – a stupid grin and a grimacing scowl. The Director (Harry Baweja) tries his best to convince us that these two guys are villains and not comedians. Well sir, taken then. When they are not killing people or planning robberies, they invariably engage in sexually titillating proclivities with a vampish bimbette (Isha Koppikar).
The first half of the movie is more of a “Chitrahaar” with valiant (though unsuccessful) attempts by the scriptwriter and the director to inject discernible doses of storyline in between the songs. Unfortunately for them, what little story there is, gets drowned in the deluge of songs.
Commercial Breaks
Upon concentrating really hard during the commercial breaks (between the songs), I could fathom that the terrible trio get hold of a deadly virus which they load into rockets and threaten to fire on the 7 main water feeding reservoirs of Mumbai unless they get Rs. 1500 crores in cash (Lol, didn’t they know that the state Govt. is not even able to pay monthly salaries to its employees?) and a ship that will take them to Pakistan. They take 213 (auspicious number, is it?) hostages at the Elphinstone Prison (we are made to believe that the fort and prison are the same) and threaten to fire the virus bearing missiles at Mumbai if their demands are not met.
As hectic confabulations take place between the top brass of the Government, the CM comes across as a mirror image of Edward De Bono, always exhorting others “There must be some way out of this”. One Mr. Akram Sheikh (Suniel Shetty) is a dedicated and honest CBI officer (speaks in a mix of anglo-mangalorean-hinglish accent) who puts together a crack commando force to storm the prison, destroy the missiles and rescue the poor hostages.
Ultimo Problemo is that the only guy to have escaped from the Elphinstone prison is our Olympic hope, Mr. Rachit (The Gun, an ex-conman in the company of the two maniacal villains) who is now languishing at the Yerawada jail at Pune for his past deeds and pining for his lost love (Neha Dhupia, with an amazing WTBR!).
A few more reels wasted on an irrelevant flashback and we finally have the commando force (including Rachit and a stupid chemical scientist reprising Nicholas Cage’s role). Most cult fans of the original know what happens next, so there’s no point in wasting time on it.
Thus Spake TiC
Cast & Over-acting
At the outset, hats off to Sanjay Kapoor and Arbaaz Khan for realizing their deficiencies as “wannabe heroes” and giving a shot at being villains instead. Based on the feedback from this movie, lets hope they retire from acting (or the lack of it) for good (God save the viewers otherwise!) Their knack for beginning every other sentence with “Aye, CM!” affords the petrified audience a good laugh. Ashish Chowdhary (the chemical scientist) looks to have walked in straight from an Ad commercial and is a total misfit.
Riya Sen, as his girl friend oozes oomph and is a cosmetic filler as is Neha Dhupia who has 5 minutes of prancing in a bikini, 10 minutes of mouthing inaudible and incoherent dialogues and 15 minutes of sobbing throughout the movie. The dresses of Isha Koppikar and Riya Sen are so sparse that I felt embarassing to look at them on the screen at times. Chunky “Monkey” Pandey comes out of forced retirement for a small role but I sincerely hope he reconsiders his decision and saves us further agony.
Sadly, a fine actor like Ajay Devgan is wasted in an A- (pronounced “A Minus”) grade movie like this. He talks only for the last 10 minutes in the first half and the last 5 in the second. At all other times, he’s like a robotic zombie operated by remote control and doesn’t know what’s happening around him.
Ha! Do watch out for the flashback scene in which he steals a floppy disk from a heavily guarded vault (sequences are directly “Ctrl-C/Ctrl-V” from “MI: 2” and “Entrapment”). The amazing dexterity with which he hops, skips and jumps over the laser beams should make him a prime contender for the Decathlon Gold medal at the next Olympics.
Technical Aspects
I wonder how it is that our filmmakers are so dumb that they can’t even copy a successful Hollywood movie properly. The story and screenplay are like badly mashed, rotten potatoes with precisely 2 tea spoons of salt, three of pepper and half a lemon’s juice squeezed over them and served ice-cold. If that recipe sounds excitingly palatable, “Qayamat” is THE movie for you.
The cinematography (Sanjay F. Gupta) is brilliant and innovative. The sets, especially of the prison where a major portion of the movie is shot are copied lock, stock and barrel from “The Rock”. The action sequences (Allan Amin) are pretty ok but tend to be too ballistic on the ears at times. The music has been rendered by Nadeem-Shravan and all songs except “Woh ladki bahut yaad aati hain” are eminently pathetic.
In addition to everything I’ve said so far, the artistic side of my brain screams “Catastrophe” whenever I watch mentally insidious films such as this. When I came out of the theatre, I was overcome by a strong urge to kill at least 5 people who produced this movie.
If you’re wondering what investing in IDBI Bonds has got to do with the movie, its high time I told you that IDBI produced this movie. So, if you’ve invested in IDBI Bonds in the past, there’s a good chance that YOU have indirectly financed this movie!
My hands are itching for revenge, where can I find you???