Eh?!: It’s all about Shaadi, in the dot com era! So, kindly pardon the wrong placement, in absence of anywhere better! At the outset, here’s whom this is written for:
If You Are:
Single, with no thoughts of marriage
Single, but thoughts set on making it a double
All set to tie the knot
Already on the married corridor
Contemplating jumping off the married wagon
Well and Happily married, READ ON! (The last category, for valuable inputs which I may miss out on!)
Credentials?: Unlike my last review on a bike, here I can’t claim "Variety Experience"! Also, I’m sorry, I can’t claim to have been a Holy Cow (or, is it Ox, for men!) pre-marriage! But, I decided at 27 years of age, to get married, and did. To someone I never thought I would, when I started off! Curiosity turned to vibes, understanding, sharing, acceptance, adjustments and happiness, before it turned to delight. 6 plus years later, I can well boast of utter delight at this ONE correct decision I made in life, for life! (So what if the World Trade Centre came down whilst we were busy celebrating our 1st Anniversary!).
Why This Piece, Now?: I am pained to see pain in the eyes and hearts of those I like, love and/or care for. The recent past has thrown up for me (as I am sure it has, for you) a host of instances when so-called and so-felt "super couples" have hit the rough patch, and decided even to call it quits. So, this is my bit, towards percolating some personally proven ideas and thoughts - towards better, happier, stronger and longer marriages, of all my pals.
To Marry or Not to Marry?: Every adult crosses this line. It is a trmendously large and onerous decision, made at a time when one has lived about a third of one’s life; of which half was dictated by parents and the other half by own conscience (hopefully!). A corollary may help. When you are a crawling baby, you feel thats Wow. Then, you walk, run, make friends, earn, are smitten (or cause someone else to be!)....at every stage you think that you have just landed at the perfect stage in life. But remember, it took lots of time and confidence before crawl became walk, and then run! When you enjoy solitude, carefree days/nights et al, it is the same. Around the corner is something even more delightful, which you see only when you are there! The bottomline is, "Walk when you can balance, run when you can walk well". That’s when you don’t fall hard! So it is with marriages! So, take your pick!
What’s the Big Deal?: Arranged, Love or Combos - whatever you pick (or are granted!), be ready before, not found wanting later! Take your time, but decide right. Foremost are ability to make adult decisions, means to support a family, some level of financial security, and, finding a right partner! The last is, of course, the most difficult or the easy part, depending on a factor called YOU!
Remember, you may have known someone for years, been on dates, even had post-sunset partnerships of more than the intellectual kind; but, when you start living under one roof, it’s a different ball game. Talking, eating, sleeping and waking together-may become a dream or nightmare, all based on the accuracy of your call! Familiarity breeds contempt (even apathy or hate), only when familiarity has been the foundation, in place of love, empathy, synergy and devotion. You may have spent hours staring into each others’ eye pre-marriage , but that won’t get you anywhere post! What is needed are two mature, adaptable adults with open minds and equality, looking in the same direction, rather than at each other!
Confused!: Better that, now, than sorry later! Simply put, find someone who shares some of your views on life and living, and most views on values, ethics and relationships. Then work on going deeper-explore, understand, adjust, evaluate. Try to find negatives which turn you off, and reason how much you are prepared to yield on those counts. Leave the minor positives. You’ll have a lifetime to discover those! "Do It Right - First Time, and for a Lifetime"! Be sensitive. Listen, not just hear. Be yourself, not what you want to show. Share your worsts, everything will only be better then. Prepare to Think "Us", from "Me". If you’ve found and done all this, and feel good still, fix the DTV (Date, Time, Venue) - to turn man and wife!
Not Really, But..: You have found basic incompatibilities, unchangeable & unbearable differences. But will the other feel bad? Will another come along?
Accept that the earlier facts are faced, the easier it is, either way! You are dealing with your own selves, so no point beating about the bush!
Parents?: The ideal situation is to have both parents saying Wow! But that happens only rarely, excepting at the end of Hindi movies! But point is, it helps to have some parental support, in the long run. Also essential is at least one good, common friend, to lend you both a shoulder, listen out, and get your engine back on track when it slips your grasp and minor issues appearing big shroud the larger picture of life.
It’s no use both parental couples being great pals; you are the ones to live your life. In the same vein, also remember, you’ll be parents some day! So, like the Bible tells you, "Do Unto Others, As You Would Have Done Unto You"!
Once Married, Total Bliss?: Ever worked in an office, to where you drove every day, seeing only green lights? There will be Red Lights! There will be Breakdowns. But you don’t jump off the vehicle and scoot, do you?! Red just isnt STOP, it also is " Cool Off & Wait"! Then comes Amber, when you can start revving up again, slowly. The Green will surely follow. And, you will be fresher and calmer, and hence, happier, moving to your goal.
When fights erupt, remind yourself to fight on issues, not personas. Keep the human out, and kill the irritant. Look at solutions, from both angles, not just the length of the pointed finger.Think of how you’d behave in the other’s shoes, that’s Empathy! Say Sorry and Mean It! It’s no Mean Feat! Try to be the first to resume normalcy after any argument.
Post Kids: A wee bit on domestic bliss or lack of it post entry of kids! If you have had a great childhood and great parents, you have no right to deny that to your child(ren), who you brought into this world, without their asking you for it! Again, if you had it bad when young and didn’t like it, all the more reason not to recreate the mess when you are at the helm! Yeah? So, when there are kids around, the role is two fold- to be a lovely parent as well as a great spouse! What you show them is what they carry into their future lives, and, the world around! Make the world a better place for you, them and Us!!
One for the Road!: It’s a wonderful game - LIFE! Play it safe and easy, but well, point by point! Doubles matches are won by 2, never by 1. Being Married & Happy is The WOW, folks, believe me!
All it takes is Common Sense, an Open Mind and Commitment. Love is much more and higher a feeling shared than mere hugs, gifts and kisses. You got to get there to know it, but you can!