Ever since England’s departure from the World Cup, footballing experts have been explaining what went wrong. Some say it was the fault of Christiano Ronaldo who, I must point out, is emphatically not a rapist of any kind. He did a lot of goading apparently. And he winked. Somehow this makes him a bastard.
Others blame General Belgrano, the Argentine referee. Giving him the whistle, apparently is a bit like getting Osama Bin Laden to referee a match between the US and Afghanistan. And then there’s Sven Goran Eriksson, the human vegetable who turned up to the tournament with more goalkeepers than strikers. The experts really do seem to think he was the main villain of the piece.
But no one has yet said the unsayable. That England lost because our team was rubbish. I’m no footballing expert. But I was assured by the same footballing experts that are now blaming Sven, the Argie and the winker that we had a good chance of winning. Really? Well how come that in the whole tournament we managed to beat only Paraguay, Trinidad (which had to join forces with Tobago to muster a team) and Ecuador (which hasn’t yet heard of the manhole cover)?
We drew with Sweden (pop.14) and we lost to Portugal. I am fed up with hearing how good the England players are when they play for their clubs. I can only judge them on their performance in Germany and it goes like this...
David Beckham: Plainly, he’s very good at taking free kicks. But what, exactly, does he do for the rest of the time? Is he at the hairdresser’s?
Wayne Rooney: I’m assured by friends who are football experts that he’s the best striker in the world. So let’s add up his tally of goals shall we? It was, er, nought.
Ashley Cole: Even I was able to recognise that he’s jolly good at football and tries very hard.
Rio Ferdinand: What’s his job exactly? He seems to stand around at the back and then when the ball comes near him, kicks it back to the goalkeeper. This obviously requires very little training which is why he has enough time for all that hair braiding.
Owen Hargreaves: My footballing friends tell me he’s the worst player in the world but there was little evidence of that in the Portugal game. I know he spent a lot of time running in the wrong direction and couldn’t tackle anyone without inflaming General Belgrano, but he gets ten out of ten for effort.
Frank Lampard: Answer me this, footballing experts. If you want a player who misses every sinle shot at goal, why not give me a call? Or my dog? And why get someone who can’t score to take a penalty?
Joe Cole: Spends very little time at the hairdresser’s (obviously) and as a result is the best player we’ve got. I’m not sure what is achieved by all that fancy footwork but it’s fun to watch.
Steven Gerrard: I’m sitting here now and do you know what? I can’t remember a single thing he did. They may as well have fielded a statue of him instead.
Aaron Lennon: I like the look of this youngster. When he’s out of his nappies, he’ll be even quicker.
Theo Walcott: Sadly, he couldn’t play in the Portugal game because it was time for his afternoon nap.
This my friends would be the view of angry anti - footie fan from England.