Birth of Envy: Sometime back in MS a rising star incited envy in me. Shakespeare said ‘jealousy thy name is woman’, but isn’t there a woman in every man? I get jealous of this star bcos:
I hadly wrote anything – he wrote prolific
I hardly frame sentences – He speaks poetry
Hardly any female reads me – Gals drool over him
I was deaf & dumb to music – He was connoisseur in it.
Do I need more reasons – Jealousy had become ME & I plotted evil.
Duel: I began thinking is there something where I am better than him. Quickly I realized I could beat him in my core competence – EATING. But I had to get him into a eating contest. So I send him ‘friendly m2m’ (though in heart was envy!) – he takes the bait. In straight words I challenge him for a duel across dining table. He readily agrees which for a moment made me nervous – will he beat me here too? The battle day was postponed as we both were travelling & then we both agreed on a date. I began earnest preparations(?).
D-day: Finally the D-day arrived & the war trumpet is blown around 6pm – he says ‘come lets battle it out”. I took my horse & set off. Thanks to his directions, I reach the arena in time. What follows is a ball-by-ball account of a battle at a cricket themed Caribean dining place ;-)
Venue: In our early interactions we had chosen the venue for the eating contest to be Sue’s food place. This was because the star had once boasted of his batting exploits here. I agreed as I wanted to beat him in his home ground. Sue’s food place in Indira Nagar in Bangalore is a place serving caribean dishes & many kinds of buffet. The place itself gives a homely feeling, no one seems to be in hurry there. The walls adorn cricket memorablia like jerseys of West Indies cricket team, pictures of West Indies players visiting the place etc.
Whether Report: The star looks confident & I get doubts whether I can really beat the star, as the menu spread shows it to be a perfect batsman’s (eaters) paradise.
Pitch report: we both inspected the pitch, there was so much grass & non-grass to eat. Varieties totaled around 30 -6 types of salads, 4 types of nonveg. It was perfect batting pitch – if you stay at the crease( sit & eat) you score!
Toss & Double Wicket Play: We both padded up, took our plates & came the question – who bats first. He being a host, asked me to bat first. But I asked him to open innings as he knew the pitch well. So for a while we both end up pushing each other like lucknavi nawabs saying “pehle aap, pehle aap”. That’s when & realized the futility of toss. with toss 2 scenarios are:
1) he bats first, I am pressure to outscore him & Indian don’t chase well.
2) I bat first, there might be nothing left for him to bat (eat) !!
So we decided upon double wicket – both batting(eating) simultaneously – now don’t ask who bowled :P
Power play: its a batting pitch, but no point losing a wicket in first over. So I slowly took a cup of soup & put some bread pieces to get an idea about the pace & bounce of the wicket. Pumpkin soup was temptin enough. End of 1st over I was leading – I had double the soup than him! I set my eyes on a huge score, so powerplay overs had to made best use of – we began scoring heavily 2nd over after soup. We take 3 types of salads, roti, pork, fishfry. The pork was superb & melted & reached intestines as fast as Ganguly’s offdrives. This went on till 6th over, as we took more roti & nonveg. In between we stole singles in the form veg items. By the end of powerplay we both had enough score & were almost equal.
Middle overs: Once the initial taste made us happy, we settled down to a spread field. As we tasted most of the nonveg stuff in powerplay, now it was time for single & rotating the strike. We went on filling ourselves, taking single samples from each item. Once in a while we got a lose delivery & scored again – taking that pork pieces or grilled chicken. Even though the star tried to psyche me out & tried chatting to divert my attention, I was concentration personified like Dravid & went on eating.
Also in middle overs, we saw lot of spin – so we had to resort to lot of batting involoving wrists. The crab pieces had to be cut open, the chicken had to be eaten from bones – all this called for a lot of artistry with wrists, just like Mohd Azaruddin or VVS lakshman. Some crab legs we had to split straight open to take the tender meat from inside, just like tendulkars straight drive would split the 2 fields at midoff, midon.
Distraction in Sight screen: Once I started batting slow, I began to look around, looking for gaps in the field. I see 2 girls sitting straight in front of me. For a moment I lost concentration, but regained. I wondered if the star had positioned them there, to distract & get me out. But I knew a chick(en) in hand is worth 2 near the sight screen & didn’t look at them! By now, I was scoring more than him .. I began to feel even though I am an aam aadmi, I can beat a Star – at least in eating :P
Slog overs: we were at crease for nearly 90minutes & sudden urgency creeped in. we went berserk again, grabbing whatever our plates ( & stomachs) can take. We helped ourselves to last bites of all delicacies. In between Star had ordered a drink with tender coconut flavor, which tasted great. He took 2 glasses of it, I took 1 – that’s the only part where I was beaten! I didn’t take more liquid, as I believed in Solid batting err I mean solid Eating :P
Networth: when match ended, we had so much bones, crab shells in waste plates. In slogging we lost the score, but I am sure I won by 2 runs ( there was 200 gram of waste in my plate). So using Networth Lewis rule, I declared myself the winner, until the star decided to beat me! I knew score would have been higher if there was mutton & beef also. The day we went, it wasn’t there :(
Presentation ceremony: in the ceremony began with the presentation of the bill. I tried to grab that to be man of the match. But the star practiced untouchability there – he didn’t even let me touch the bill & insisted paying himself. That’s how the star beat me in manners, etiquettes & gentlemanship. He had previously beat me with his mentions of me in his revus etc – but here he won my heart. I was rejoicing I had eaten more than him – but I realized I won the battles, but lost the war :P
Post-match brief: we stepped out & analysed the match & many other things including MS. We resolved to fight out more often over food!
Trivia: Can you guess the star who lost the eating contest, but won hearts. If you have eye for details, the answer is in this page of MS!
P.S: revu dedicated to my friend, philosopher, brother - Nithin Jacob