Having decided to make a grand entry on to Bollywood celluloid, the first and foremost thing I did was to search for’Dancing Gurus’ in Bollywood.
I am the Tap Dancer
Which actor’s movies get watched solely for the sheer pleasure of seeing the man dance in all his glory. Any guesses?. Did you say. Prabhu Devaa. No no no. he is too down South for a Bollywood bounty hunter like me. Let me introduce you the man himself. one & only Sunny Deol urf Sunny Praaji.
Big V: Praaji.Tussi great ho ji. Kinna changaa dance karde ho tussi! Please accept me as your humblest disciple & teach me some of your steps, Sir-ji
Sunny P: Oye, It’s all so eazy. didn’t you see me dance in Jeet, Jaal The Crap? If I can dance even Langde-lule(handicapped) can dance. Tussi to hatte katte Nau-jawaan ho(you are still young)
Big V: You were really Ziddi(stub-born) to have decided to dance like that in Jeet. People say Praaji was exterminating insects. you got frost-bite in some unmentionable place in the Alpine snow.or you got spiders/scorpions in your undergarments. suffering fits. what is the secret of your Alpine dancing?
Sunny P: Mere Dhai Kilo ke Pair( My 5 pound legs) & Mountain goats
Big V:Mountain Goats!
Sunny P: I was just trying to shake-off. tap-off goat-goo, I inadvertently stepped on. I was thinking director was shooting a Home Video.or may be’Making Of Jeet’. I was infact surprised to see that song in the movie. But Jeet(victory) tho hamari huyi. Undar ki baat hain( confidential) most of the collection for the movie came from people flocking to the theatres to just watch that dance.
Big V: Tho phir Tussi. why don’t you dance in all your movies?! You can make the whole Box-office shake!
Sunny P: I don’t want to be repetitive like aaj-kal ke Shahrukh Khans, Hrithik Roshans. I don’t want to over-expose my dancing talent. I keep it reserved only for special movies. whenever Box office(or my sagging career) demands it
Big V: Aap ithna great earth-shaking dance karthe ho. But why is your name found in every list in this doggone category?
Sunny P: (with a scowl on his face) There is a profound & blatant discrimination against two-left-legged dancers like me & Suneil Shetty on MouthShut.
Have you ever seen Big B Bachchan do more than 3-4 different steps in any movie-song? The only time he did something different was chasing hens in’Padosan Apni Murgi Sambhaal’ in Jaadugar! No one complained when Mani Ratnam tried to pass-off Shahrukh Khan suffering from Sun-stroke in Rajasthan as dancing in’Ishq Par Zor nahin’(Dil Se).
Kabhi Dancing.Kabhi Prancing.
SRK: Bade bade filmon mein bade bade Stars dance karthe hain( Big stars like me dance in Great movies). Mere agli film’Kal Shahrukh Ho Na Ho’ mein kaam karoge( will you act in my next?). Of course I will be stealing your fiancee & break your engagement on your marriage day after a sad song & shedding gallons of glycerine all over your place. He.he. he.
Big V: People complain you twitch your lips, shake your head hard to shake off dandruff and act like a monkey in song after song?
SRK: Galath bath hain.Galath Bath hain. aisa nahin kehte. They don’t understand the intricasies of my dancing postures, which are more varied than the dancing poses in Kajuraho
Big V: How did you manage the dance’Ishq Par Zor Nahin’ in’Dil Se’. I think the dance could have broken all the bones even in the body of Prabhu Deva?
SRK: I was worried then if Mani Rathnam will be paying me for acting in his movie. I wanted to spoil the song by acting totally crazy & goofing it up. But the miserly$#^&* showed the song as it is, instead of paying me more money.
Big V: Now the million dollar question. How do you manage such a vivid body language in song after song?
SRK: Don’t care two hoots about what the choreographer is doing/saying. Dance like you have caught Hay fever. Bug & irritate the camera man to always focus the camera on you, come what may. and most importantly keep reminding yourselves .’I am the BEST. I am the BEST. Can you dance in the same dancing hall. wearing the same(color) costume. to the same’Shaava. Shaava. Wahwah.Wahwah.’ tunes dance after dance, movie after movie. say half a dozen times?!
I nod in agreement. Indeed it is a difficult task to be so repetitive. Now to find a costume designer. I wanted to make a colorful debut.
Main Rangeela Re.
Actor Govinda as usual was wearing a shirt that put Asian paints color chart to shame. dancing to the tunes of his forthcoming hit song.’Maitho Railway Station pe SMS Kar rahaa tha. theri biwi Naayi ke saath baagh gayi tho main kya karoon.’
Chi Chi Teri Padosan Mari tho main kya karoon.
Big V: My neighborhood heart-throb(thankfully) is still very much alive. Why are you after Naanis, Daadis, Padosans etc.?
Chi Chi: Arre Yaar. main tho Dhawan-ji ka nayaa gaana gun-guna raha tha. Aapki padosan se meri kya dushmani? The only guy I am scared of these days is Tusshar Kapoor. who apes me in every song these days. He wears same colorful clothes like me. even same Binaca-Colgate Smile throughtout the song. I even have a doubt he has some secret understanding with my dhobi(dry cleaners)
Big V: Chi-Chi-ji.Why do you wear those colorful shirts? And always give that Colgate smile?
Chi Chi: (showing full Baththisee) I don’t have Karan Johar, Adithya Chopra to fly me off to London, Switzerland for every song. I have to manage with David Dhawan low-budget B-grade flicks. the only locales we can afford to shoot our songs are Bus stands, railway stations & public canteens.
We make up for the lack of scenic locales, by wearing equally scenic dresses. it’s like Mor(peacock) dancing in the mud during the Monsoons. Do you watch the mud or the peacock feathers?
Big V: Why do you always have road-side items like Paani-puri, Bhel-puri, Andaa, Son-Papdi etc. etc. in your songs?
Chi Chi: Arre Yaar. since we mostly shoot on the streets, the street-side vendors also happen to be our main promoters. Now look. doesn’t Subash Ghai include Coke/Pepsi advertisement in every song. he even had’Paas Paas’ gutkha ad in’Mohabbatein’ song. No one complains. I try to promote mobile usage amongst streetside vendors by dancing to’What is your mobile number?’ & people raise hell. There is so much discrimination in the industry against B-grade heros like me.
The Next Dancing Star
So here I am friends. with Sunny’s dance steps, Shahrukh’s mannerisms/body language & Govinda’s costumes! Who is ready to sign-on the next dancing sensation? If necessary. I am also ready to drop of my shirts, vests & dance in bare essentials like Salman Khan in’Gharam Chai ka Pyaala’. If nothing else. I swear we can top all future reviews in this category at least.
An Aspiring Actor,
Vilaayat Khan
PS: DOOM Productions. are you listening?