“Dear Abby on MS, ” *is where the agony aunt is now providing comfortable answers to your most personal questions. MS’s ***in-house life coach*** has all the answers that you need.
*Q.** I’m a privileged youth who inadvertently got stuck in the local politics. For some inexplicable reason there are goons who want to kill me. After finding out that they took a ***supari*** to kill me, I tried to pay them money to leave me alone, but to no avail. I don’t know what else to do. What if I die in an attack? I live each day in fear. Help me!
- Don’t Want to Die.
*A.** Dear Don’t Want to Die,
I understand your angst on having to die when you don’t want to die. But do not worry about the goons succeeding in their next attempt to take your life. In such a case, simply pull a ***Karan Arjun.**
That is to say, after having meted out injustice and dying, you can reincarnate as a newborn at the same moment of your death. After growing up for 25 odd years in this new body, you will be able to see ***negative images(i.e. black as white and white as black)*** of the goons chasing you and then killing you **in a video like format.** Every now and then, if you are lucky, you will get a glimpse of the goons’ faces.
Now, recognize the goons(you have to visualize them a bit older than the negative images you see of them, since 25 years have passed), cunningly plot and kill them, thus avenging your own(previous) death.
Please note that having **a crazy mother, aunt, grandmother etc.** will be further beneficial because in the 25 years that it will take for you to exact revenge, your mom(or granny or aunt) can periodically get punch-drunk and issue warnings to the goons that you will be arriving soon.
For further details on how your choice of elderly woman should issue these warnings, watch the scene in the movie *Karan Arjun *where Rakhee warns Amrish Puri that Karan Arjun will be coming back from the grave…i.e. *“Mere Karan Arjun Aayenge, zaroor Aayenge…dharti ka chaattee phad kar Aayenge.”
*Q.** My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two beautiful daughters. But of late, a new secretary has joined my husband’s office and I suspect that my husband is committing adultery and is having an affair with her. In spite of this deception I still love him very much.
With out my husband I have no life and have nowhere else to go. I’m really scared that he might leave me for her. I’m severely worried about the effect she would have upon my children. What should I do? Please help me!
- A Faithful Wife.
* A.** Dear Faithful Wife,
Sorry madam, but you need to grow up a little! *There is nothing wrong with a cheating/ unfaithful husband, especially if the secretary is a young and attractive woman. I suggest that you go the ***“Biwi No. 1” ***route. I must insist that you throw your husband out on the street. He will then go live with the secretary.
You needn’t worry about the kids. Young kids can adjust to anything. In fact, I suggest that you leave your kids in the secretary’s house for good, thus forcing her to take care of them. This will give you ample free time to go to beauty parlors and get a complete makeover. This will also enable you to leave home whenever you wish to go shopping for glamorous new clothes and high-heeled shoes.
As a last step, go(ably accompanied by a married male friend in a weird get up to pass off as a Punjabi) to a place where your husband is sure to be present, and dance with the male friend in *Punju* style, liberally panting and using phrases like ***“Uff, Uff mirchi…Hai, hai mirchi!”*** This is sure to get some old juices flowing in your husband apart from making him insanely jealous, thus quitting his affair and coming back to you. After this, don’t forget to call the secretary by phone and get your kids back.
*Q.** I am an educated, mature, modest unmarried girl who is madly in love with a friend that I knew since my childhood. Every time I know that I would meet him(such as common friends, weddings etc.) I dress up in a smart fashion and act with dignity and poise. But he still does not show any romantic interest in me! I’m at my wits end. Please help!
- Ms. Smart Sensible.
A.** Dear Ms. Smart Sensible,
My dear gal, you’ve been going about it all wrong!
No educated, intelligent and sensible man would ever find a smart, dignified, mature woman romantically interesting. I insist that you follow ***Poo’s*** path in the film ***“Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. “
**In order to do this, stand in front of a full-length mirror and practice the arts of giggling, batting eyelids, pouting and in general presenting I’m-a-five-year-old-stuck-in-a-twenty-year-old’s-body image.
Another aspect you need to focus on every time you meet him(in weddings etc.) is, to start dancing in pre-practiced steps(you will need to practice these steps in front of the full-length mirror too) and sing a song with generous doses of the phrases “silly soniya” and “paagal munda” in it. This would give your man the breezy respite that he needs and would leave no doubt in his mind about how much you love him.
For good measure, use your artistic brilliance to pick a fight with him whenever possible over petty little day-to-day affairs. This would increase his attraction towards you and make you something of a Love Goddess in his mind.
*Q.** My best friend(a woman) is getting married next month. I just realized how much I happen to love her. Is there any way to find out if she reciprocates my feelings? Considering she’s going to become someone’s wife soon, is it too late to propose to her?
- Mr. Majnu.
*A.** Dear Majnu,
It is NEVER too late to propose to your loved one. ***It is irrelevant whether she is your best friend or a total stranger and whether she is engaged, married or a mother of five.*** Love is love and it has to end in marriage!
I suggest you combine the methods of SRK in ***“Chalte Chalte” ***and Uday Chopra in the film ***“Mere Yaar Ki Shaadi Hain.”
**First of all, you need to completely disregard your beloved’s feelings and *assume that she loves you and wants to marry only you.* You will also need to entertain her with monkey-like antics, epileptic seizure-like-gestures and lots of stammering. ***Acting over-enthusiastically like a beggar at a traffic stop would be of additional help.**
You will then need to make friends with her fiancé and convince/force him into doing foolish things(which he will agree to, because he’s a fool and **you’re his new best friend)**. This can be done by inviting strippers and such to your beloved’s house and making the fiancé dance with them in the presence of your beloved and her parents, thus ruining the wedding plans.
Please note that, you need to completely ignore any tears your beloved might shed at this point because of what she perceives as deception by her fiancé. **The mantra here is to disregard her emotions and think ONLY of yourself.*
Now that she is in a delicate state of mind, it is also a good time to make your lusty moves to get close to her, thus FORCING her to fall for you.
Happy married life!