Anger is a problem many people face, a problem that can seriously disrupt someone’s life & cause distress. Anger at school can get a child reprimanded, merit detention, or mean a suspension or expulsion from school. Anger in a teenager can lead to fighting, trouble at school & home, or even problems with the law. For an adult, anger can result in losing a job, ruining a marriage, wrecking relationships with one’s children, & much worse.
The bottom line - both adults & children can benefit from learning how to control their anger. As might be expected, control of ur anger requires effort on ur part, &, unfortunately, change is never easy. We generally behave in certain ways for 2 reasons. 1 is that we have learned a behavior from modeling on people in our lives. Parents, relatives, teachers & peers may have set examples from which we learned, often unconsciously.
A 2nd reason for behaving in a manner not in our best interest is because we don’t know any better. We may not recognize how our behavior is hurting us or others, & no 1 is willing to tell us. Or our lack of knowledge may be in not knowing how to change & make things different.
Changing a behavior such as anger can be difficult because the behavior brings us some benefit, even if only in small amounts. It doesn’t take much reinforcement to maintain a behavior. If we get angry & find it releases tension even 1 out of 20 times, that can be enough to maintain the behavior & avoid the difficult work of trying to change.
Where does our anger come from? Usually from something we believe is’unfair’ & knowing we’can’t stand it’ when things are unfair. In such situations, our reactions are often immediate. For example, a child may be disciplined for talking during class. The child loudly complains to the teacher that the boy next to him was also talking, but instead of punishing the 2nd child, the teacher responds by increasing the punishment.
The now-angry child punches the 2nd child & curses the teacher. It wasn’t a planned thing. It’just happened.’ It may not be until sometime later that there is even an awareness of what happened.
And it doesn’t happen just to kids. When we’re cut off in traffic, overlooked in a restaurant, ignored by a store clerk, unjustly accused by a spouse, or insulted by a boss or co-worker, we may feel it’s unfair & react angrily before even realizing what we’re doing.
So how can we effectively control our anger? Time is a key. For each second between the’unfair’ event & ur reaction, ur chances of making a healthier decision are greatly increased. If that child paused for a few seconds when told he was being punished, he might have come up with a less-damaging alternative action. When ur boss makes ur blood boil, waiting, instead of immediately reacting, will almost always produce more positive results.
But how do u add that’cooling off’ time? 1 easy technique involves breathing. Since anger comes from thoughts of unfairness, replacing such thoughts will buy u time. When cut off in traffic, breath in slowly & count to 20 silently. Pay attention to counting slowly. Focus on ur breathing, making sure to breathe slowly & deeply, in through ur nose & out through ur mouth. Listen to the sound of ur breathing. Feel the motion of the air. Smell of the air.
Another anger management technique is’square breathing.’ Inhale slowly while counting to 5. Hold that breath for a count of 5, exhale slowly for a count of 5, then count to five before the next breath. Continue doing this until u feel less angry & more in control of ur thoughts. Then think about ur choices of how to react & the consequences of each choice. What will get u what u really want?
If more help is needed than simply refocusing ur thoughts through breathing, try having a friend or family member give u clues when u are losing ur temper. This can be difficult, since someone with an anger problem often gets angrier when someone tries to get into the middle of a situation.
Sometimes, seeking professional help is the answer. This is especially true if u find ur anger is frequent & causing real problems in ur work, family or relationships with others. A professional counselor will work with u to help u identify the causes of ur anger & find ways to control ur reactions.