So I have finally had the’mishap’, ’expired’ and then’succumbed’ to writing my 20 worst songs in the English language. I had difficulty at first because I don’t really hate much but then I realised that I do have allergic reactions to certain songs. To this particular suite you could probably see me wrinkle my nose and squirm. C’est la vie! So let’s go through each atrocity….
You Give Love a Bad Name(Bon Jovi) – Really bad early teenage’rock’ aimed at intellectually stunted wannabe delinquents that hang around the local Newsagents trying to get you to buy them cigarettes. Get the picture? No? Oh OK, it’s just a really naff song that filled a wasted Saturday afternoon in a recording Studio.
The Final Countdown(Europe) – Real saddo spotty, stamp collecting, sixth former’rock’(or is that’Rawrk’?). Very embarrassing to have friends that like this! Even worse if your friends decide to go for the hairstyle too.
Earth Song(Michael Jackson) – This is total conceitedness put to music! Not that I dislike Mr Jackson(I think he’s misunderstood and misunderstands how his actions can be interpreted) but pretending to be Christ like in the video is what I think he was trying to say; nothing like showing modesty is there?
Lady in Red(Chris de Burgh) – This is for those with a very 2 dimensional view on falling in love. Could you see any glamourous gal wanting to dance with the little guy anyway(maybe it’s about a drag queen?).
Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You(Glen Mederous) – Yes but singing this song could change the other person’s though. Oh it’s so stomach-churningly vile!
Wanna Get Dirty(Christina Aquilera) – It got to number one in the UK, only because old Chrissie wore trousers exposing her bum!
Suspicious Minds(Gareth Gates) – There’s something wrong with this song without Elvis’s voice and it’s near damnable when Gareth’s cleaner than clean twee voice sings it. It’s badly arranged too!
Spirit in The Sky(Gareth Gates and the Kumars) – This was diabolical! Glam Rock gets the tidy-up by session musicians and TV created pop star with a comedy Punjabi family… What’s wrong with the world? Even if it was for charity(mate), why?
Imagine(John Lennon) – It just got played to death when I was a kid. Even so, if this utopia that Mr Lennon sings about actually happened, do you think it would be fun to live in?
The Frog Chorus(Paul McCartney) – Oh dear… Christmas that year would have still been complete without it!
Saviour’s Day(Cliff Richard) – Another Christmas hit this time from 1989, truly horrible but how we laughed when the next No1 in the charts was’Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter’ by Iron Maiden!
The Locomotion(Kylie Mynogue) – I am still screaming, thankfully she has improved somewhat. Is this song why Nick Cave strangled her on the video to their collaboration song?
Itsy-Bitsy-Polka-Dot-Bikini(Timmy Mallet) – The man was Satan in a baseball cap and Hawaiian shirt! It was a terrible 80’s remix that your parents danced too… remember?
S-Express(S-express) – On the crest of the late 80’s wave of House music came this non-house hit in the House Top Ten. It still gives me the creeps!
Fog on the Tyne(Paul Gascoigne) – In the days when in every England team football player lurked a mega-pop star came this. Yet again proving that it was only ever them in the mirror with a hairbrush that thought that but in this case a whole record company thought so too. What wicked days they were!
It Must Have Been Love(Roxette) – No it wasn’t! They did it for the money!
Whenever You Need Somebody(Rick Astley) – Did you know that Rick is now a hairdresser in Enfield, North London? I think he borrows Paul Gascoigne’s hairbrush on the odd karaoke evenings…
My Heart Will Go On(Celine Deon) – What a song to drown in a very big sinking ship too! Almost makes the icy cold water romantic doesn’t it?
The Gypsy Kings(Anything they do) – I just don’t like them! Strumming guitars and grinning moustaches, it’s a tad unbearable, thankfully the music buying public agree too!
Kenny G(Anything he does) – a long girlie Larry the lamb perm and awful wind instruments designed to slaughter all your favourite classics. This is a man with no soul. I think that only the Chinese like him, so why doesn’t he just release stuff there and not where I live?
So that’s it. I hope that I haven’t offended anyone(too much). I promise to start writing real reviews again soon but if you really want, you can always read my review on Thums-up. I was really proud of that one, but none of you agreed!;) See ya soon!