A fool and his money are soon audited

Accounting: a collection of figures running around looking for an argument

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing

Accountants aren't boring people. They just get excited over boring things.

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.

Creditors have better memories than debtors

Who was the first accountant?

Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"

The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake while counting and then spend three hours trying to find it."

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child:

"No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".

"The auditors have just left, sir."

"Did they check the books?"

"Very thoroughly."

"What did they say?"

"They want 15% to keep quiet."

A lady goes to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examines her.

"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."

The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "I advise you to marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No," says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.

They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."

The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"

"Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."

A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? "

"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

Also read Part 1 - https://mouthshut.com/diary/fecgmtuoo/Accountant-Jokes1