My way o define Slumdog Millionaire is, you know, to sound intelligent, give a criticalreview & all, but to hell with that. That was before I saw it. And what you’re gonna read is the truth, plain and simple.

Slumdog Millionaire is NOT for Indians in India. It is a movie madefor international award shows, critics awards and NRIs (who are foreverstarved for anything remotely Indian, while chewing on a hotdog in acold corner of the world). Shots of Taj Mahal, references to Americagalore, people.

Slumdog M, put simply, is a rags to riches story of a slum kid(Jamal, played by Dev Patel) who braves a tough life (yeah, riots,homelessness, near-death escapes, etc etc) only to win loadsa green on‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?’

WHAT’S RICH ABOUT SM

I’ll tell you what I like, for that’s shorter: Most people aresuckers for underdog stories (me included), which is a big plus in SM’sfavour.

Most of all, I love the way each question asked to the kid has aconnection with some event that occured in his past, and it is becauseof this happenstance alone that he knows the answer to each toughie. Iadore Dev Patel, accent and all. Danny Boyle has found a fine actor inhim, and he essays his role as the underdog to perfection. AR Rahman’smusic is fairly okay. ‘Jai Ho’ is an awesome number. Cute love storytoo. The movie yo-yos from past to present to pasttopresentto…but thikhai, forgivable.

In one childhood memory, Jamal is shown jumping through a toilet,drenched in shit, just to take passerby Amitabh Bachchan’s autograph.Gross you say? A lesson, I say. You gotta go through shit to achievesomething. Loved the message. No shit.

SLAM

1. The first thing I will SO slam about the fillum is thelight in which India has been portrayed. A shot has con artist Jamalpretending to be a tour guide, showing ‘real India’ (read: dhobi ghat)to an American couple. Meanwhile, his pals strip the couple’s car partsand flee. A cope nearby accuses Jamal of being part of the controversy,and thrashes him left & right, to which the couple comes to hisrescue. “This is real India!” exclaims Jamal, indicating at the theft…(a country of crooks or what??), while the American woman, a pictureof sympathy, throws a couple of green bucks onto the boy…”I’ll show youreal America!” Yeah, can imagine Uncle Sam & his aunties clappingat that one. My blood was boyling, Mr. Boyle.

You can’t show one half of a picture and call it the whole. India isTaj Mahal, slums, poverty & crooks on the one hand (the part thatglobal citizens identify with) & India is tall buildings, malls,Internet and LCDs on the other. & India is a WHOLE load of stuff inbetween. Did I hear a little birdie say that I’m an urban Indian, theminority talking? Well guess wot…India is this AND that, not this orthat. This is the basic formula that only people who truly understandIndia can crack. Nah, not you, Boyle.

1. Shot in a gloomy, documentary style, the film offers no reliefwhatsoever to the viewer, right till the end. Showing how kids areturned blind by their ringmasters just so they fetch more as beggars,is something Indians already know. Tell us something we don’t. Butoops…I forget, this SM ain’t for us …nah.

   
   




2. I just loooove the way everyone recognises everyone after yearshave passed and everyone has grown up. In one sequence, Jamal and hisbrother are separated in childhood, and our guy on growin up into abumbling 18 year old, traces his number. He just has to say Hello intothe phone and pretend to be a call center pest, to have his brotherinterrupt him and screech, “Jamal!” Aawaaz hai ki jaadoo!! Kumbh kamela material.

   
   




3. The film is, well, slow. Reeaaalllyyyy (hoooaaaa……yawnnnn…..mmhmm…) slow. Almost like a documentary at times.

   
   




4. Anil Kapoor admits to have been raised in a slum himself. So it’skinda unbelievable that he wants a kid like him to lose the show &tries to shove the wrong answer down the kid’s throat!!!! Jealousy, thyname is Anil Kapoor. New age definition.

   
   




5. Didn’t know a show like ‘Who Wants …’ or KBC or wotever u wanna call it, is aired live on TV. Wowie.

   
   




6. Bas bas, bohat ho gaya.

   
   

Er,