[It?s an irony?..probably hypocrisy?.or mere coincidence that I am writing a review in the first worst as well as the five worst Actresses of Hindi Cinema. But then just seeing this topic I couldn?t resist myself.]
Now it?s difficult, almost impossible. What kind of cookoo self confessed romantic would write a review on the worst women in Bollywood ? You see there is a story behind a story?..
Sunday Morning?.8 AM.
The ringtone of ?Ladki Kyun Na jaane kyun? rings up on the mobile. One first ignores it thinking that it is probably a audio addition to the visual hallucination called dream one is having. But when the ringtone continues to ring and ring you think otherwise.
8:05 AM
After continuously ignoring the polyphonic trance type ringtone....one thinks that one needs to pick it up?.it could be the one. Afterall the ringtone is supposed to mean that it?s a girl calling.
8:06 AM
When one finally wakes up after a long conflict of picking or not picking phone?one finally decides to get up and pick the phone.
8:07 AM
One presses the red button instead of the green in the semi-dim vision one is having?.probably subconsciously conscious mistake. But one being a self confessed romantic and having a soft corner for the XX chromosome?one does feel guilty. And so one does call back without seeing the number. The phone rings on other end?female voice picks up.
8:08 AM
When one announces on phone ?Hi this is Om?did you call..sorry I cut it by mistake??one receives a reply in form of loud shouting cacophonic like stuff in the ear. One realizes the mistake one made?.one voluntarily entered hell. The Miss shouting voice (One shouldn?t name her) after a long gibberish talk finally comes to the point.
?Om I wondered, I was filling an online opinion poll about my favorite actress?and I wondered who you favorite actress was !? One was shattered. When one went to sleep at 4 AM on Satudray Night..one had no idea that he would be subjected to such a difficult question at his own mobile phone?s bills expense 4 hours and 8 minutes later. One expected something reasonable and real?one was shattered. One gave a quick answer hung up the phone and decided to take revenge against this creaul world that doesn?t let one tired man sleep on a Sunday morning. So how does one take revenge?.one writes?.about what ?about the very question that is the root of the problem?female actors in Bollywood ?and one will have no mercy?one promises. One begins, in no particular order.
Riya Sen
Shout..scream?cry?shout..giggle..<ITEM number> giggle?shout?.cry <ROMANTIC song>. This is what I make out of seeing Riya Sen on big screen. I don?t understand what she says (not that I care), I don?t care why she laughs or cries for and simply don?t care that she is the daughter of arguably one of the most beautiful woman of India. Riya Sen arguably again is THE most irritating actress of India cinema. Infact I have even heard that nowdays in Tihar Jail they have come with a new third degree torture:
?Chal Kallu Batta tere sath kaun tha?
?Aida samja hai kya?kayku batao?
?Dekh Kallu bata de varna??
?Varna , , varna kya..maro ge pito ge..kya kar kya loge?
?Dekh bata de varna..tuje Riya Sen ki picture dkihayenge?
?Nahi?????????
Esha Deol
You must have heard this one. One day a beautiful bimbo walks up to Bernard Shaw and tell him..
?Georgie..why don?t you marry me? we will have a beautiful child together who would be perfect. He or she would have my looks and your intelligence and wit..wouldn?t that be great.?
?Certainly darling?but what I am afraid?what would happen if she has my looks and you intelligence?wouldn?t that be a disaster?
Ditto for the daughter of Hema Malini and Dharmendra. She has inherited quite stunning genes. She dances like Dharmendra talks like Hema Malini. Genes gone wrong. Infact she is pretty plump and in Dhoom especially she had muscles like Dharmji. Papa would be proud.
There was a time they used to say that Dharm Garam was garam against his daughter acting in the movies. Now we know why?we wanted to protect his loyal fans from torture from his daughter. She doesn?t act..doesn?t dance?doesn?t look great?still she survives in Hindi movies?.now you know the why Hindi movies don?t make money.
Tansiha
Another dynasty princess gone wrong.
?Did I acted in movies?didi I acted in movies.. I am just like you now?
?Yes darling you are?you are just like me okay..now go and do your homework?.we need to get good scores don?t we?.our future depends on that?
?But didi?. I want to act in films just like you and jeeju?
?Yes darling?.we will act okay?now brush your teeth and go to bed?I will tell Ajay to give you a role in home production or something. Okay.?
Why lord why ! What is the crime we have done that Kajol had a sister who wanted to act. I mean why does every good thing have to be balanced with something bad. Is this justice oh Lord !
Armita Arora
Someone please tell her?this is not MTV this is a movies?you are not supposed to deliver dialogues like you are VJing or something. another sibling in the ring. But not to worry she will get enough work after all he in laws are the Khan brothers who from time and again make expensive home videos like ?Hello Brother? and give the current worst actress a role.
Mumta Kulkarni .
Long before there were Sherawats and Bipasas there was the original sex siren Mamta. Mamta did not believe that there is something like acting also in films. Not her mistake she doesn?t come from film families does she ?how would she know ! And who would tell her that ?Mamta darling you are supposed to act..not react to dialogues?. She is used to look like a cat and spoke like one too. Infact after seeing one of her movies I had to get a CAT scan for my brain. No wonder she was called the Kitty of Kingdom Bollywood. Though where is she nowadays? I miss her.
Twinkle Khanna Kumar
Twinkle twinkle little star?how I wonder why you are
Up above in the screens so high?like a hot air ballon in the sky ! (Sorry aur koi line rhyme nahi ho rahi thi)
Dimple?Simple?Twinkle?Rinki?.please for heavens sake can?t even one member of the family have a Simple?I mean a normal name. First of all let me congratulate Akshay, he must be awarded a Param Veer Chakra or something (no no not for his work in LoC?what he was not there in LoC?I though everyone was there in LoC !) He has done great public service by marrying Twinkle. He has protected has the screen from exploding from one more ?Mela?. God bless Kumar.