Let’s see...McDonald’s used to be great - when I was eight years old and could consume a Happy Meal without wondering what really went into the over-priced cheeseburger, anyway.
McDonald’s has been around forever, with restaurants all over the world serving up billions and billions of customers. Most of these customers are either teen-agers who have no use for real food or, in some cases, burn victims who have lost their taste buds in horrifying accidents involving household bleach.
The menus in American McD’s restaurants do not vary much at all: You can have a burger, something with fish, a salad, soda, a shake, fries, or a hot apple pie. Or, if you’re adventurous like that elderly woman who scalded her legs and became a millionaire, you can try a cup of hot coffee. (Why can’t profitable tragedies happen in my lap?)
Anyway, it’s obvious that I don’t like McDonald’s, but it’s only fair if I tell you why I can’t stand the place regardless of what location I visit.
ATMOSPHERE/ENVIRONMENT
Screaming toddlers. A character aptly named ’’The Hamburglar’’ who swipes burgers and terrifies the screaming toddlers. Purple and teal benches. The same fake-wood tile floor in every restaurant. Sometimes I am surprised by very bad ’’muzak’’ blasting out of cheap intercom systems, but more often than not I am assaulted by the sounds of young adults and children noisily consuming their so-called ’’food’’ while making conversation.
The playground for the children is even more horrifying. Why, I ask, did the designers of these McDonald’s locations make the entire wall facing the play area out of clear plastic or glass? Because of this, I cannot help but witness children throwing plastic balls, smearing ketchup on everything, and raising all unholy hell. Call me anti-children if you will, but I for one would rather look at the fake plants than a bunch of wild children.
McDonald’s makes an effort to create a ’’we’re not just another fast-food joint’’ environment, but fails miserably in my book. Thus, on the rare occasions that my friends choose McDonald’s for meal time, I push for the drive-thru: At least there I’ll have an interesting brick wall to stare at.
THE MENU
Recently, McDonald’s did away with ’’regular’’ salads, opting instead to put the lettuce and other assorted contents into a paper cup and instructing patrons to ’’just shake it’’ in order to mix the salad dressing. This may be cute to an eight year-old who delights in spilling thousand-island dressing all over the cloth seats of Daddy’s new SUV, but I for one resent not being able to at least appear to consume food like any other rational, mature adult would. Besides which, I get the sneaking suspicion that, despite the fact that the ’’new’’ salads cost exactly the same as the old ones, they are smaller in portion. How’s that for a ripoff?
The burgers are uninspired, bland-tasting, and bordering on obscene. Wilted lettuce. A whopping two slices of pickle. An extra ten cents to convert a hamburger to a cheeseburger (the only difference being the fake sliced cheese tossed on top of what I suspect is a fake meat patty). Not even the onions taste like The Real Deal: Is it just me, or did McDonald’s dig them out of an astronaut’s dehydrated rations?
The ’’Secret Sauce’’ is nothing more than a lot of thousand-island dressing: Generally, it’s drowning in the stuff, which makes me wonder what they’re trying to hide. I’m sorry but, in my opinion, burgers shouldn’t taste tangy/mayonnaise-ish. They ought to taste like the steer that someone killed in order to bring us this gift from God.
Now for the french fries, which is the biggest disappointment: They’re shoestring potatoes that are deep-fried. Okay, that’s great. I can live with that. However, I have deemed them ’’The Nine-Minute Scarf Fest.’’ I did so because, if you do not consume the fries within nine minutes, they will be cold. Once they get cold, they magically change forms, turning into solid little rocks versus soft, crisp, golden potatoes that melt in the mouth.
You can order chicken at McDonald’s - it’s tossed on a bun and slathered with what I think is tartar sauce. You can have cookies, a milkshake, coffee, or apple pie. McDonald’s has a decent variety considering that it’s a fast-food chain like any other, but it doesn’t exactly make up for what I consider to be an utter lack of quality.
PRICE
Generally, I can pay seventy-nine cents for a McDonald’s cheeseburger. I can get a Big Mac Meal (fries, large soda, and a Big Mac) for less than five dollars. The salads can be two dollars, or up to four depending on what size and where you are located. Overall, it’s a good deal so far as your wallet is concerned. McDonald’s has also begun to add the modern convenience of credit-card payment to some of their restaurants: No cash required, which makes an already-quick trip even faster. Now, if that doesn’t lure you into the world of the golden arches, I don’t know what will.