Lines – Before getting inside an airplane, one has to stand in many lines. There is a line to check in your baggage, a line where they check your shoes and socks, a line where they suspect your DNA but soon give up when they realize that it’s a spiral staircase which leads nowhere, a line to get into the airplane where only special passengers with more money than you get in first.
Economy Class – A place where passengers are packed in like the way songs, action, romance, and cheesy melodrama is packed in a Hindi masala film. In order to make money, space is manipulated by making seats smaller, and aisles narrower. All this is done at the expense of passenger comfort. In the future, to make more mullah, all passengers will be sitting in a fetal position, kids will be stuffed into overhead bins, and passengers can also travel on airplane wings with steel-reinforced seat belts so they don’t fly off. This wing class will of course be the cheapest class. However, these passengers will have to sign a waiver form assuring that they or their family members will not sue the airline company if they get struck by lightning or other such catastrophes.
Normal Airplane Temperature – Usually ’shivering-my-babushkas-off’ cold temperature.
Blankets – An old cheap-looking piece of rag. These flimsy rags, however, are the most precious commodity on an airplane! If you ask for an extra blanket, then you risk getting dirty, harassed looks from the stewardess. This happened to me on British airway, and on another airline, the stewardess mysteriously vanished, and was never seen again for the rest of the flight. My theory behind her disappearance is that the stewardess might have used the blanket as a parachute to jump out of the plane. This option must have seemed more attractive to her than having to comply with the passenger’s request for an extra blanket.
Airplane Bathrooms – Tiniest places on our planet, ideal hideouts for elves and leprechauns. I never had claustrophobia until I went inside an airplane bathroom. In the future, to conserve more space, airplane bathrooms might shrink further to the point that only people who weigh less than 100 pounds (45 kg) will be able to use the bathroom. The rest of us, if there is a bathroom emergency, can use a poop bag which will come dangling down along with the oxygen mask from above our seat.
Center Seat – Seat Of Torture! In a center seat, you will inevitably be stuck between two huge arm-rest hoggers, and you will feel squished like a vada inside a pav. After developing full-blown chronic claustrophobia from airplane bathrooms, I once requested several times on the phone for an aisle seat, but somehow still ended up sitting in a cramped center seat on a tedious 10-hour flight, and to heighten my traveling comfort, I had a terrific cold. The upside of this is that these pleasurable journeys will help prepare you for all kinds of excruciating pain such as, walking on hot coals, flogging, decapitation, and even watching all episodes of TV serials like KKKussum & Jassi without shooting yourself.
Hot Beverages – Mostly coffee and tea that can spill on you at a moment’s notice, if you are not watching it with your third eye. I had this misfortune happen when I had the fortune of getting an aisle seat. The Emirates stewardess had just served me hot tea, and as she was leaving, a kid ran by in the aisle, bumped into my tray table, and all the hot tea spilled on my lap and my seat. I stood in a long line to use the tiniest place on Earth to wash myself. After cleaning the tea stains off my clothes, I frantically started searching for (no, not for elves and leprechauns) a blow dryer, but soon realized that airplane bathrooms barely have space for toilet bowls, let alone a bulky item like a blow dryer. Quickly I fled from the claustrophobia-causing bathroom lest I start gasping for air, and begged and pleaded the stewardess to give me a blow dryer or at least another blanket. Finally, a good-natured stewardess (an oxymoron) gave me a blanket (probably stole it from a sleeping passenger). I had to suffer the rest of the cold journey (3 hours) on a wet seat, in wet pants, fantasizing about how I can get back at the pesky kid who put me in this predicament. Finally, when the plane landed at the beautiful Dubai airport, I was the only passenger walking out of the plane with a blanket wrapped around my waist like a towel. Nevertheless, I was just glad to be able to sneak out with the precious airplane blanket, because now I could sell this blanket in black market, and become very wealthy.
Airplane Food – better left unsaid…and sometimes…untouched!
In-Flight Entertainment – Good variety of movies, TV shows, and music. But don’t watch shows like ‘The Fabulous Life of Paris Hilton’, or else it’s gonna make you wanna jump out of the airplane without a parachute or even a blanket. On rare occasions, you also get “live” in-flight entertainment when a belligerent passenger has it out with a hoity toity stewardess.
Stewardess – Some seem to go through 3 distinct phases.
Beginning of the flight: ‘I will patiently tolerate you’ phase
Middle of the flight: ‘Don’t F@#k with me’ phase
End of the flight: ‘Get the hell out of here and please don’t travel with us again’…GROWL…SNARL…hisssssssssss… (all in a frozen fake smile).
If you don’t like the looks of a particular stewardess, just ask her for an extra blanket, and watch her disappear.
Pilots – are usually heard, but rarely seen. Sometimes pilots are heard too much. Example: Once I was traveling from Dallas to London on American. The pilot just couldn’t get the airplane to fly. We patiently waited inside the airplane for 3 hours, until the crew told the passengers to deplane, because the plane was having some technical problems. All passengers were forced to delay their travel schedule by one day. The next day when we came back on the same plane, the pilot welcomed us on the PA in a playful manner: Ladies and Gentlemen we are ready to take off. The important part that was missing from the plane yesterday has been put in by the technicians…we think? Anyway, we will try to fly this rusted jalopy, but if you hear any sounds, then please don’t be too alarmed. We will get you to your destination safely…we think? So, good luck to us all.
Now, I know I have a sense of humor just like any average person, but oddly enough, I just couldn’t find what the pilot said to be funny. During the whole flight, I was startled by every creaking sound the airplane made. When this extremely “comfortable” flight was over, I wanted to go up to the pilot and say: I will be reporting your eerie sense of humor to FAA…I think? So, good luck to you.
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