Unforgettable Bollywood Characters

In this sweltering heat, what could be better than sitting down to dissect the reasons behind other people’s hard earned success?

Toh haath mein lo Chhaas aur Suno Hamari Baat. Call it Fizul Ka General Knowledge or Gyan, but do pay close attention to this unfolding tale of guts and glory.

Yeh hain woh Paanch Punter, the unwitting players who are going to let us in on their recipe for box-office appeal:

1.Shahrukh Khan

2.Aamir Khan

3.Aishwarya Rai

4.Kareena Kapoor

5.Sunjay Dutt.

Aishwarya (with a beatific smile and a toss of the hair): Hello everyone, there is nothing more appealing than modesty, except perhaps, frankness. So let us analyse the reason why the Indian Junta has chosen to elect us to this exalted place with candour and good humour.

Because I am such a remarkably cautious person, I would like to call upon Kareena to first say something about her methods and hopefully, she will tell it like it is.

Kareena ( with head held high and a direct stare): How coy can one get! Anyway I do tell it like it is. If I love someone, I do not pretend that they are strictly my friends and................

Shahrukh (all dimples and newly-acquired wise-soul-cum-big-brother attitude): Hey Hey Hey Come on K K K Kareena, let?s not be peevish. There........there........now, ha ha who’s the best?

Kareena : I am of course Sharukh.

Shahrukh : Arre, Main Hoon Na.

Kareena (roll the eyes and shrug): Whatever.

Sunjay Dutt: Okay Guys, let’s put some macho energy into the show. Apun ka to simple hai. I have the face of a vulnerable soul and the body of a hunk. Guys ko pasand aata hai - all the machogiri and the self-deprecatory humour. Woh Man’s Man wala funda hai.

Shahrukh : Ha Ha I know what you mean.

Sunjay Dutt: I doubt it buddy. This is different - it is all above board. But haan, I have no issues with the personal inclinations of others. Bindaas hai bilkul. I think that might have helped - I enjoy excellent relationships with my directors because they like my non-judgemental, hassle-free attitude.

Aishwarya Rai: I do believe attitude is everything Dutt saab. I would like to add that I really admire Mr Sunil Dutt and his efforts at bringing about harmony .............

Kareena: Relax, this is not a pageant.

(Admire her spunk. Especially since she was my son’s first crush when he was all of eight months old and she was going sunnn sunna na nana on TV)

Aishwarya (with a determined beam): As I was saying, in my own way I have sought to instill some creative satisfaction into my work. Hence Chokher Bali and Kandukondain Kandukondain. Right now I am looking to the west because I do not want to limit my canvass............

Shahrukh: Quite, Quite, we are all aware of the fact that you have thankfully recovered from some personal mistakes and are now keeping less disruptive company. Good for your career. Ha Ha at least now you can work in my productions. But getting to the point - the reason why Shahrukh Khan is the numero uno actor in the country today is because he is so remarkable gifted. Un-diminishing energy and a capacity to appeal to the common man helped me rise the ladder rapidly. The crowd loved me in those populist negative roles initially. But today, I am the ultimate pleasant guy and I aim to please. Some might crib that I lack versatility. That is just so silly. If people love watching the pleasant stuff packaged in changing and innovative ways, who am I to argue. And Coteries? - please, I only have friends, mostly in high places and with deep pockets, but so what? I bet most actors would love to be in my shoes

(I have just begun to appreciate this guy but still find him highly annoying at times)

Sunjay Dutt : Oy! Where’s Aamir?

Kareena Kapoor : He must have gotten bored and left. Anyway I cannot imagine him wallowing in his glory. I think most of us find him astonishing. Does he does he not have any insecurities? What’s an actor without insecurity? It is an inalienable right.

Sunjay Dutt (all benign-ness) : What about you Kareena? Tumhari to Chandi hai, hmm?

Kareena : Everyone says I have remarkable screen presence. Well, if I do, it is no accident. I have ventured into this field with full preparation. My initial loud and abrasive behaviour got me a lot of attention - but now I have reached a position where it is not necessary so I have dropped it. Mummy has been an inestimable help of course and the zaroori factor in this industry i.e. filmi connections, I have in plenty. And we, the Kapoors will never stop harping on it.

Shahrukh Khan : Well, bully for you. One must exploit whatever resources one has I say. Earlier it used to worry me when critics said that I was playing myself in every movie - now I just go with the flow. Anyway my relations with the media have been excellent. Unlike Aamir where they seem to be waiting to malign him personally at the slightest opportunity. But honestly, don’t you guys find him painfully uptight and serious?

Aishwarya : I find his attitude towards established heroines rather offensive of course. But I am not too upset over the fall of The Rising from my kitty. Aamir’s movies somehow end up magnifying his image alone and people seem to think he alone has been the reason behind a movie’s success. Whereas if his movies fail, it is the director’s fault. The audience can be so thick.

Kareena : So what do you do? Mumbai’s chemists must have run out of saccharine, thanks to you.

Aishwarya: (fluttering eyelids): Me? Sometimes I think I will never understand this place, but then I cannot possibly just walk away from it all. Shuru se hi people have been so kind to me. Even after I delivered a series of flops, Subhash Ghai and Sanjay

Bhansali chose to cast me in their movies and today I am seen as a good actress too. If I have the air of a martyr about me, it is because I feel so misunderstood really .........

Kareena : Yeah Right! So, can we leave already - I have a shoot to go to .........

Aishwarya : Of course. We’ll spend our lives shuttling between studios and breathlessly awaiting Fridays..............

Shahrukh : Hey It is what we wanted right?

Exit all to the score of the song..........

All good people can’t you see, can’t you see?